Been feeling guilty as I haven’t blogged for a while but to be honest I haven’t really known what to say. Possibly because I haven’t really known how I’ve been feeling.
But now I have something to update on. We went to see the nurse yesterday for our IVF coordination appointment which means going through the hundreds of forms, the timing, the meds and learning how to do the injections. She had some sort of speech impediment but I won’t hold it against her, she was patient and nice enough.
We were in there for well over an hour going through everything. It’s quite a lot to take in and it was fairly surreal to sit there inspecting the syringes and looking at the different vials of liquid, thinking that in about a week’s time, I’m going to be piercing my own skin with those needles and shooting that stuff into my own body to fuck with my own hormones.
During the session, we had two scares about not being able to start IVF this cycle – firstly because my last cycle was so short (20 days) it brought everything forward and she thought there may be a problem with the timing of the scans and blood tests and the clinic being closed over Christmas for a few days. But she checked and it means I’ll just have to stay on the Buserelin (hormone suppressant/down reg) for a few days longer until they do the first scan.
But I have to take full responsibility for the second scare. I had a minor episode on Thursday where I came back from therapy with my emotions all churned up and didn’t know what to do with them. So I did the only thing a self-respecting, messed-up infertile about to start IVF would do – I got drunk. At 4 o’clock in the afternoon. And when The Husband came home after work, we had drunken, unprotected sex. Which is illegal during the pre-IVF cycle.
The nurse gave me a very disdainful look when I told her (about the unprotected sex, not the drunkenness), asked if I hadn’t known I shouldn’t have done it and said it was unlikely we’d be able to start this cycle now because the drugs could affect the embryo if I happened to get pregnant.
I felt very, very ashamed as I’d known from reading the paperwork we should have been more careful and couldn’t believe I’d been so reckless and irresponsible. But at the time, I think that was exactly what I wanted to be. I’ve been so bloody careful about what I’ve been eating and drinking, the supplements I’ve been taking and the timing of sex for so long now, I think I just wanted to say fuck you to all of it. So I did.
The nurse carried on staring at me disdainfully and let me squirm in my chair for a while, then she swanned off to check with the doctor. I breathed a big sigh of relief when she came back and said it was ok, the Buserilin wouldn’t harm the embryo after all. And if life happens to throw me one massive amazing mindblowing curve ball by making me pregnant the cycle I start my IVF treatment, then I’d have to immediately stop the Buserilin and start shovelling in the progesterone quicksmart.
So even this cycle, I’ve inadvertently (and definitely naughtily) given myself a teensy tiny bit of hope. Don’t try this at home though people.
And in the meantime, I move house on Friday and do my first injection on Sunday.
Until next time.