Lately I’ve been feeling much stronger, the tangled mess in my head seems to have been unravelling and I’ve been able to look forward again.
Yesterday, we went to see our consultant about starting the next cycle of ivf around the end of the month. I came out feeling positive, hopeful and even a bit excited.
Last night I had a baby dream. I was playing with a gorgeous little baby, making it smile and giggle. I felt so happy but I just had this feeling it wasn’t really my baby. It turned out to be my sister-in-law’s.
This morning we found out friends who'd got married exactly a year after us had just given birth to their first son.
Today I hurt so much – an intense physical aching in my heart that I haven't felt since the chemical pregnancy. I got into bed earlier, started crying and couldn’t stop. The tears seemed to come from somewhere so deep inside me.
My husband came upstairs and found me like this. He comforted me and told me it was ok to be sad. I said that everyone around us seemed to be having babies but I could only dream about them.
He told me we weren’t like everyone else, that we’re special and that we’ll have our baby, at some point, somehow.
I listened to his words, dried my tears and carried on with the day.