Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Hey Jude, don’t make me sad...

“Errum, I’d say everything looks as it, errum, should. No major cause for, errum, concern at this stage. So fingers crossed for, errum, a good outcome this cycle.”

Ah, thank you kindly funny speaking Scan Man.

In a nutshell the three scans I’ve had during this monitored cycle (CDs 7, 12 & 20) have all shown things in my lady bits are as they should be. Frustrating in an ‘unexplained fertility’ way but good news in an ‘I have to be grateful nothing major is wrong’ way.

So now, at 8 DPO , I just need to carry on waiting. Again. For the 14th time.

I’m doing ok to be honest, I’ve really tried to stick to thinking positively over the last few days. Actually it’s probably more accurate to say I’ve been trying not to think at all. Well, not about getting pregnant anyway.

The only blip I had was two nights ago. I’d spoken to my sister in the morning and she told me she’d gone to visit an old friend of hers who got married a week after I did, 14 months ago. We spoke about her for a bit and then I asked: “Is she thinking of trying for a baby?” There was a brief pause and my sister replied: “She had a baby three months ago.”

I gave a nervous sort of laugh and asked what she had (a boy) and what they’d called him (Jude - I love that name), and then she changed the subject and we moved on to other things.

But I had an uncomfortable feeling. It wasn’t jealousy or bitterness. I know a few people far closer to me who’ve had babies within a year of getting married recently and I’ve been able to accept it and be happy for them. I can’t even explain it, I think I just felt a bit stupid for asking the question like that, when I could have asked ‘Is she pregnant yet?’ or ‘Has she had a baby yet?’ Or maybe it was just the stark reality of it, the fact that the answer felt a bit like a slap in the face, I don’t know.

Anyway, after I put the phone down, I put the conversation to the back of my mind and I carried on with my day.

But for some reason, when I went to bed that night, I started to think about this conversation again and I just felt sad. Probably sad for the three-month old I could have had by now. Sad for feeling stupid for asking that question. Sad for this whole crappy situation. I shed a few tears, letting the sadness trickle down my cheeks for a while. Then I wiped the tears away, took a few deep breaths and went back to not thinking.

Until next time.


1 comment:

  1. I hear you on the frustration of the "unexplained" infertility. As relieved as I am to know that nothing is wrong, there's a small part of me that feels that at least if there was, there would be something to try and fix. And yes, so hard to make sense of the mix of feelings when you hear about someone else's success at this babymaking thing. Hope this is indeed a successful cycle for you. Just like Scan Man, my fingers are crossed.