Sunday, 10 October 2010

It could have been amazing

I wrote this blog while I was on holiday last week but didn't have access to the internet so I'm just publishing it now. We had such a lovely time, really switched off and relaxed - just what the doctor ordered. Unfortunately, a combination of taking Cyclogest this month and bad timing meant I had to do a pregnancy test while we were away. Here's what happened...

This morning, the 4th day of my week-long holiday, I peed on a stick.

It could have been amazing timing. Just the two of us in a beautiful peaceful setting - blue skies, sunshine, palm trees, fuschia pink flowers, the endless blue-green sea ... It would have been so romantic and so perfect.

We'd had a fairly stressful few weeks before we came away so I didn't have very high expectations but there's always the faintest whiff of hope.

But there was no purple line in the test window. I scrutinized it, held it up to the light, willed something to appear, checked the instructions four times to make sure I'd done it right. But there was definitely no purple line in the test window.

I spent the next 20 minutes going through the obligatory what-ifs - what if it's a faulty test, what if I didn't pee on it right (but seriously, how can you not pee for 3 seconds on the end of a stick right? If you can get that wrong, you shouldn't be having sex), what if I should have waited another day to test?

This last one is always the most pertinent when I'm taking Cyclogest. I tend not to get my period while I'm on it, which means it's doing its job, but I always wonder if I'd tested a few days later, stayed on the Cyclogest a few days longer...

That's the beauty of this process. We get to beat ourselves up on a monthly basis, convince ourselves if only we'd done something differently, done it more, done it less, done it standing on our heads with a pink wig on, then maybe this month we'd have been pregnant.

But the bottom line is, I'm not pregnant. And I sort of feel numb this time. Usually a BFN hits me like a sledge hammer in the gut. But this time I don't feel very much at all. I'm not sure if it's the desensitizing effect of being on holiday, the result of fifteen consecutive unsuccessful tries or possibly the fact that I'm hurtling faster and more uncontrollably down the slippery slope straight to IVF-ville and I just don't want to acknowledge it right now.

Whatever it is, right or wrong, I hope it stays this way for a while. It's nice not to feel for a change.

Until next time.


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