IVF2, Day 1

Well it’s been almost a month since I last wrote a blog. In fact, in the four months since IVF1 failed, I’ve written a grand total of five blogs.

I’ve just found it so hard to translate my thoughts and feelings into words. And actually most of the time I don’t even really know what I’m feeling. I think my mind and my heart have become numb to the devastation of not getting pregnant. Sometimes it almost feels like I’ve lost sight of why I’m doing all this, that it’s just become a part of life, something I need to do.

But here I am again, starting another IVF cycle.

It’s pretty much the same protocol as last time (long day 21) so down regging with buserilin for two weeks (when my ovaries will go to sleep) and then stimming with Gonal for up to 12 days (when my ovaries will wake up again). Except this time they’re upping my Gonal dose from 225 to 300 in the hope of getting more eggs and then getting some of those eggs to blastocyst stage ie day 5 transfer (my clinic’s success rates have improved significantly since they’ve started getting more people to blast).

To recap, in IVF1 I got 8 eggs and 6 fertilised but by Day 3 I only had one good quality and a couple of average so they transferred two embryos on day 3.

I’ll also be using Crinone gel instead of progesterone in oil injections after egg collection. Although it’s only just starting to become more widely used in the UK, the evidence they’ve gathered at my clinic so far shows it’s effective for people who tend to bleed early – as I do. This is a huge relief as the PIO injections were so bloody painful.

This time, I’ll also be having weekly acupuncture throughout the process and additional sessions around collection and transfer. My acupuncturist is wonderful and I’m pretty sure the sessions over the last couple of months have helped keep me balanced.

I also plan to eat a sizeable amount of chocolate, watch lots of crappy TV and read the full spectrum of gossip magazines. Apparently this is not only allowed, it’s obligatory.

So right now I’m feeling fairly relaxed and will try to stay that way for as long as possible.

I’m going to make a concerted effort to start blogging regularly again – partly for selfish reasons because the support I get from my tweeps and blog followers is amazing – and partly because I know it helps others going through this process.

So please, stay with me on this journey and hopefully this time I’ll give you a happy ending.

Needles and nourishment

I went for my first acupuncture session today in preparation for ivf2. I did have two acu sessions during ivf1 but they were on the day of transfer and in the two week wait and I did them mostly because I thought I should, so not sure I got a huge amount from them. But I wanted to give my body and mind a chance to benefit from it before the next ivf cycle as I know some people swear by it.

The acupuncturist was lovely - in her 30s and South African - very gentle and thorough with her questions, especially around my cycle. She seemed very knowledgeable about everything in that department which put me at ease as she didn't come recommended by anyone, I just came across her details on a website.

Once we'd got through all the questions, she looked at my tongue, then got me to lay down and felt my pulse. Then she started putting the needles in. She did one in my forehead, one in each ear, two in each foot (one on the front and one on the side), one on each leg near the knee, a couple in my stomach (one near the belly button, one nearer the pubic bone) and one on my chest just below the collar bone.

She said from what I'd told her, her focus would be on nourishing my blood as I have very light, very short periods, a short luteal phase and low progesterone. She said she'd also work on helping to regulate my sleep as I've been sleeping very restlessly lately and I have these night panics where I wake up with a jolt, my heart's racing and I feel very scared and it takes me a while to calm down and go back to sleep.

I only felt a couple of the needles go in but on the whole I barely felt a thing. The only one I was aware of throughout was the one in my left ear which kind of ached a bit. She left me lying down with the needles for about 10-15 mins and regularly checked my pulse.

I asked her what she could tell from my tongue and my pulse and she said overall I just needed 'nourishing' as everything was a bit below what it should be. I liked her use of the word 'nourishing', it felt comforting for some reason. She also said she could feel a build-up of grief and anxiety around my lungs/chest and wanted to ease that - I felt a bit emotional when I left the session so maybe she unblocked a little something there already.

I don't know a huge amount about acupuncture, I guess I'll find out more as I go along but it's definitely a relaxing experience and a lot of what she said made sense. I suppose it also feels good to know I might be doing something constructive to help my body get pregnant. Let's face it, it needs all the help it can get... And maybe even just going means I'm getting more used to the idea of another ivf cycle.

When I read the tweets and blogs of my fellow IFers, it breaks my heart to know what some people go through to have a baby. It should be the most natural process in the world but when it doesn't work, it makes you question everything about yourself, your womanhood and, sometimes, your place on this earth. I have never felt so insecure about myself as I do now, even in a strong and loving marriage with close friends and family around me. But I see how tough all the ladies in this IF community are, many of whom go through such horrendous ordeals, make huge sacrifices and devote everything they have, every ounce of themselves - time, money, energy, health, sanity - to making their dream of having a baby come true.

It not only humbles me, it gives me strength and courage to keep on going until my dream comes true too.

Big fat f*cking waste of time

It’s been a frustrating week.

I was determined to be positive and constructive after I got my period last Friday. It was once again gutting but I spent the weekend focusing on making an appointment with the fertility doctor, so I could talk through my options and decide what to do next.

I would really love to get pregnant naturally (who wouldn’t?) but after a year of trying, I’ve finally arrived at the point where I’ve realised it’s more important to have a baby than to worry about how it got made. And I don’t want to waste any more time.

So on Monday I called Scan Man and told him I’d got my period. “Oh, errum, I am sorry. Well, you’d better make an, errum, appointment to come in and see me in the next couple of, errum, days. We’ll chat through your monitored cycle and go through all the, errum, facts. Then you can make an, errum, appointment with Mr Fertility Doctor and get things moving in the, errum, right direction.”

Ok, so far so good. So I made the, errum, appointment for the next day and psyched myself up in the meantime as I wanted to feel strong and level-headed when we talked through everything.

But as I walked into his office, before I’d even sat down, he started telling me he hadn’t expected to see me so soon and that the file with ALL my information was at his other clinic. What??! But you told me to come in and see you in the next couple of, errum, days! What was so unexpected??

He said he could remember all the relevant details but as the session progressed, it transpired he couldn’t and I had to keep reminding and correcting him. The only thing he could confirm was that I have low progesterone and a short luteal phase - something I’ve known all along.

Basically, it was a big, fat f*cking waste of time.

Plus, when I said I wanted to see Mr Fertility Doctor asap so I could do something with my next cycle, Scan Man said casually, “Oh, Mr FD is, errum, away this week, he’s not back until next week so you won’t be able to do anything with the, errum, next cycle.”

Great. Thanks for waiting until now to tell me. I’ve had issues with this clinic before (see earlier blogs) and this was the last straw. So after all the psyching up about making decisions and moving on, I felt like I was back to square one – confused, disappointed and not sure what to do next.

So I did the only thing I could think of. Called Gorgeous Handsome Dreamy Gynaecologist – the one who did my recent hysteroscopy – and asked him to recommend someone (my logic being that if he is gorgeous, handsome, dreamy, charming and lovely, anyone he recommends will be as well).

His secretary (let’s call her Lucky Bitch) told me he was in the office that day and she’d get back to me later with an answer. The day went on and I heard nothing. I called LB again the next morning and she said he’d had to rush off after I called and wasn’t back in the office until Monday (tomorrow). Aaarrggh!!

I think the most frustrating thing about all this is not feeling in control - of my own body and its ability to make a baby, and being so bloody reliant on other people to even have a chance of making that baby.

Anyway, I’ll chase LB again tomorrow and if I don’t get any joy, will check out another couple of recommendations I’ve had. But as time is ticking on I’ve had to accept I can’t do anything more with this cycle except try naturally again.

What I have done, though, is book my very first appointment with an acupuncturist/Chinese herbalist. He’s meant to have good results with hormone imbalance and infertility so I thought it was worth a shot while I’m figuring out what to do next.

Until next time.

Juno ☺