“There’s nothing there.” The first words my husband says after I’m wheeled back in from the recovery room after my hysteroscopy.
My first words in return should probably have been something along the lines of: “That’s great. I’m so pleased”, accompanied by a huge sense of relief. So why were they actually: “Oh. Really? Nothing at all?” accompanied by something definitely resembling disappointment?
The only ‘irregularities’ the (gorgeous, handsome, lovely) consultant could detect were that my uterus tips backwards - which I knew already, and which he said happens in 15% of women – and a few ‘folds’ here and there, but neither should pose any real threat to becoming or being pregnant.
(By the way, I am officially in love with the consultant. I have told my husband this and he is fine with it so I don’t feel like I’m being deceitful. In fact, my husband admitted to having a small man crush on him anyway.)
So, this is something I can cross off my list. I am still 38, I still have thin lining and a short luteal phase, but I definitely do not have any irregularities on my uterus. This surely can only be a positive thing. So why did I feel disappointed?
Because if truth be told, I wanted this to be the reason I’m not getting pregnant. I wanted it to be the unquestionable, solid reason. But it’s not.
I can completely see the ungrateful, selfish side to this. And, actually, I’m ashamed of feeling like this at all. In the last month or so since I joined this online community of women trying to get pregnant, I have been horrified by what some people are having to face, the adversities they have to overcome, the immense rollercoaster of feelings they have to endure – all to achieve what we were surely put on this earth to do naturally.
I may have shortcomings but there is nothing significant anyone can point to, no major obstacles or health issues that would stop me from getting pregnant. And as I write this and think about all the amazing women out there who are having to deal with a lot more and bigger challenges than I am right now, I realise just how lucky I am and that I should be grateful.
Maybe it’s my mindset that has to change. I have to truly believe I do deserve this, that I will make a good mother, and that one day – soon – I will experience the euphoria of being pregnant and giving birth to a beautiful, healthy baby.
So, as I cross the ‘irregularity’ off my list of shortcomings and with it the accompanying shadow that’s been hanging over me in the last few months, I also reduce the number of reasons I may not get pregnant. This frees up some head space and means I can concentrate on tackling the next thing on the list.
Age isn’t an easy thing to remedy - I can’t go back in time. But surely there’s something I can do about my thin lining?
Excuse me while I go and phone the nutritionist...
Until next time.