Tuesday, 29 June 2010

I’d rather just have had the bracelet

Well, I wasn’t in the dark for too long...how nice to receive the gift of menstruation on the day of my first-year wedding anniversary. I also got a lovely Links bracelet from my husband.

We had a fab day at Wimbledon to celebrate (the anniversary, not the menstruation), taking advantage of my company’s corporate hospitality tent - and the food and alcohol within it. We also saw a bit of tennis, which was a nice bonus.

Talking of weddings, we went to my friend’s one on Sunday. Despite being slightly aggrieved we had to miss the England vs. Germany World Cup match (just as well, as it turns out) and put on our best suit / dress on the hottest day of the year so far, we ended up having a fun time.

My concerns about feeling inadequate were unfounded. It was great to spend time with friends we hadn’t seen in a while and I managed to just relax and enjoy being there (admittedly helped along by a couple of glasses of champagne).

There was perhaps the odd glance at my general stomach area to check for any tell-tale signs of bulging, and definitely a couple of the girls clocking the amount of alcohol I was taking in but I didn't let that affect me too much.

So now, with my feeble excuse for a period done and dusted, and my hysteroscopy booked for the last week of July, all I can do is try to remain positive about what these next few weeks might bring.

Until next time.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Perhaps I should have taken a horse tranquilizer

I’m afraid to say Day 18 came and went with just an empty circle showing on the digital wee stick. There’s something very sad about that empty circle. It’s like those pregnancy tests that tell you quite unashamedly you’re ‘NOT PREGNANT’. Yes, thank you very much for pointing that out to me so clearly. Most kind.

So I’m feeling a bit glum about the lack of smiley face - ergo lack of hope. The only other time since we've been trying I didn’t get a smiley face was Month 7. (I can’t remember my name half the time but somehow I can remember which day I ovulated in which month - or not.)

That was the month of the hysterosalpingogram. Catchy title. That’s where they run a test to check your fallopian tubes are open by injecting some dye through your cervix. They tell you you might just get ‘mild cramping’ so you should take a Nurofen an hour before the test. What they mean by mild cramping is that it will feel as though someone is tightly squeezing all your lady organs while stabbing them with razor blades. And what they should tell you to take is not a Nurofen but a horse tranquilizer.

Picture the scene: the swearing, hissing and kicking (not me, the consultant - only kidding) has just about calmed down. I’m lying there naked from the waist down, my legs are up in stirrups and two grown men are mopping up around me pretending they haven't just been staring at my lady bits for the last half an hour or so. My dignity is nowhere to be seen and I'm doing all I can to regain some composure and not blub like a baby.

Just as I'm starting to breath normally again, one of the grown men (or Consultant Gynaecologists, if you like) uncomfortably tells me they’ve spotted ‘a small irregularity’ on my uterus wall but they have no idea what it is or why it’s there or whether it will affect my fertility or in fact anything that might remotely reassure me.


So I’ve spent the last four months trying to ignore what they said - or didn’t say - and soldiered on with the baby making efforts regardless. To no avail of course but I figured it must be worth a try.

So here we are, Month 11, Day 19, no idea what my body’s doing.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Where’s my smiley face?

Eleven months ago, I embarked on that weird and wonderful (or perhaps just weird) journey to becoming pregnant. Initially optimistic and naively confident, I am now wondering where this long and winding fertility road will lead me, whether I will reach the sleepless nights and dirty nappies I absurdly crave.

So I thought I’d write this blog to help me chart my journey and seek out fellow travellers. I’d be incredibly grateful if you could let me know if you’ve come along for the ride. Just so I know for sure I’m not on my own. Here we go…

I have never spent more time inspecting the inside of my knickers. Possibly not the most gracious start to a blog – my first ever in fact - but it’s true. Eleven months in and I am none the wiser. This month, the time when I was supposed to be ovulating was tainted, quite literally, with something the colour of old ketchup. That was a new one. Any ideas?

Obviously I’ve researched it on the internet on at least 16 separate occasions over the last three days and have decided, depending on my mood, that I have anything from a very early, very unwelcome period to early onset menopause (I’m 38).

All rational thinking has blatantly gone out the window.

Whatever it is though, I’m not particularly happy about it, as this was my last attempt before a number of significant upcoming events:

  • My first-year wedding anniversary – I had hoped to be celebrating this with the knowledge of becoming a parent in the not-too-distant future. It will still be a big celebration (I was single until I was 35, plus I’m Jewish - you do the math) and I am still massively happy and grateful to be married to my amazing husband. But, you know, it would have been nice.
  • An impending hysteroscopy (where they knock you out and stick a camera on the end of a scrapey thing into your womb and remove any offending articles). A scan a few months ago showed ‘an irregularity’ which they think they should check out. Was hoping not to have to go through this again – I had one two years ago to remove a polyp, now it’s just becoming habit.
  • My friend’s wedding – although of course a very happy occasion which I will no doubt enjoy, I will be sitting alongside the Smug Pregnants / New Parents, feeling just a little bit inadequate.

But I remain hopeful that tomorrow will be the day I’ll get that smiley face on the digital wee stick (day 18 - is that even possible?). In the meantime, for anyone else desperately hoping to see a smiley face too, I'll leave you with one below.
Until next time.