Right before I woke up this morning (or was rudely awoken by my alarm) I had three dreams that were so vivid, they stayed with me through the whole day, so I thought I’d write them down.
In a nutshell...
I was at a family gathering at my aunt and uncle's house. All the adults were in one room and the children were in another. Strangely (or not perhaps), I was in the room with all the children.
My mum came in to the kids' room and came over to whisper something in my ear but then she jumped back with a really angry look on her face. I asked what was wrong and she said she could smell alcohol on my breath and what on earth did I think I was doing drinking while I was trying to get pregnant.
I tried to tell her I'd just had a tiny sip of my sister's beer but she didn't believe me and left the room, leaving me feeling really upset.
I somehow knew a building in London was going to be blown up by terrorists, and I realised my husband was going to be in the building.
I rushed there as quickly as I could to tell my husband what was going to happen so I could save him.
I found him (he was wearing a 1920s Bugsy Malone gangster outfit for some reason) but I couldn't get my words out or make myself understood and my husband didn't want to leave.
I was petrified he'd be hurt or killed and it would be my fault but I felt completely helpless to do anything.
I was at work in my boss's office, going through a very important presentation I'd prepared on his behalf. There were 3 or 4 other people in the room – including another guy from my team, my brother and Kylie Minogue. Yep, Kylie Minogue.
Everything was going well until my boss asked me if I'd checked the details with someone in the finance dept. I said no because I didn't realise I had to and he went nuts at me, shouting at me in front of the other people (including Kylie Minogue!) and made me feel completed humiliated.
I think the dreams represent pretty well what's going on in my subconscious and occasionally what I can't help feeling - guilt for not giving my parents more grandchildren and for not giving my husband his first child, and less importantly but still there, a massive lack of confidence at work. Weird that they all came together in one series of dreams.
I’m so excited about moving into our new home and that's helped keep my mind occupied over the last week. But I'm still very much aware of being firmly in yet another two week wait. I started the wait feeling optimistic, visualising what should be going on in there, saying positive affirmations as often as possible, thinking this was all about a new start and the right timing.
But today I started to feel a hormone shift. Maybe I’m wrong I don’t know, maybe it’s just work stress or tiredness. But the visualisations have become harder to formulate, the positive affirmations have started to sound like desperate pleas.
I thought I was ready for IVF but I’m not sure I am. I don’t suppose I’ll ever be, and I hope more than anything I don’t have to be.
Until next time.