Sunday, 28 August 2011

Tears of joy and sadness

I haven't been on Twitter much lately, nothing is normal in my life right now and I'm finding it hard to communicate in general. I hope this entry goes some way to explaining why.

On Friday, at 8 weeks and 4 days, we saw our little jelly baby for the second time. The first time was at 6 weeks 2 days. Despite getting daily positives for the two weeks from the first pregnancy test to the scan, the relief of knowing there was actually something growing inside me was immense. Especially as it took the sonographer a good minute or so to find the little tinker in the gestation sac.

That was the longest minute of my life, I don't think I actually breathed. But finally she located it and we saw the little flicker of the heartbeat on the screen. This was what I had waited two years to see. When she turned up the volume and we heard the heartbeat, I thought I would burst.

Later, outside the clinic, The Husband held me as I cried two years' worth of tears, big heaving sobs. People passing us on the street must have wondered what terrible thing had happened and between sobs I urged The Husband to tell everyone they were happy tears.

The emotions I felt on the day of that first scan were indescribable. The emotions I felt on Friday at the second scan, seeing the miracle of this tiny and brand new life in front of our eyes - the head, the body, the spine, the little leg and arm buds - and hearing that strong heartbeat again, were a step beyond that.

I cannot imagine feeling any more for this tiny 2cm being, our creation, our child, than I do now, but I know I will. I am still scared of what could happen but I also have this feeling that everything will be ok. The Husband believes babies choose their parents and I'm also convinced this little fighter chose us, knowing the time was right to come into our lives. So I'm going to trust it to do what it needs to do, to grow and get stronger each day, and each day I know I will love it a little more.

I wish I could leave this entry here, with a happy ending. But I can't, because this isn't the only thing going in our lives.

On Saturday we went to tell my brother and sister-in-law our news. I had been so anxious about this moment, not because I thought they wouldn't be happy for us, but because I knew the immense emotions it would bring for them.

I will never forget how that conversation went, for now it keeps going through my head on a loop and I have cried a lot of tears over it, but I'm afraid I can't bring myself to describe it. All I will say is that, in their own ways, they handled it with as much dignity as they could muster.

My sister-in-law is wearing her emotions on her sleeve which makes it easier to understand and comfort her. My brother has shut down and no one can reach him. I cannot begin to imagine his pain but I see evidence of it reflected in his eyes and etched into his face. It is truly heartbreaking. I feel like I've not only lost a niece but also the brother I knew, and I miss him terribly.

The difference in our lives at this point couldn't be more apparent. It's like a Shakespearean tragedy - or maybe a Hollywood movie. The rest of my family - my parents and my sister - are now torn between immense joy and overwhelming sadness. As am I. It is an unreal situation, I just hope in time the joy will become more significant for all of us.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

The two week wait - part two

For anyone who only reads my blog and doesn't follow me on Twitter, apologies for the delay in updating this, especially when I have good news to share.

Yes, ivf2 resulted in that magical, long-awaited BFP!

I was ridiculously nervous and had prepared myself for the worst so it was just amazing to see a strong line on the test - I held out until the official test date (OTD) as I wanted to be sure about the result, especially after the chemical pregnancy debacle of the first ivf (I could be, I'm probably not, I think I am, I might be, I'm probably not, oh, I'm definitely not).

I tested every day after the OTD and about 5 days in, feeling a bit more secure, we invited our parents over and told them the good news. There were A LOT of tears. I was worried about getting my parents excited too early but at the same time wanted to give them something positive to think about. I know it's not a cure for what happened with my niece and for the hell we're seeing my brother and his family go through, but it's definitely helped.

Over the following few days, I also told my sister and my best friend, who both knew about the ivf and had a good idea of timing. It was exciting to tell everyone and fantastic to see their reactions but I think once that excitement had calmed down, reality set in and I started to feel really scared about things not working out.

I'm sure it's completely natural when you've waited so long and been through so much to get to this point but I've been petrified of getting to the scan and once again being confronted with an empty uterus. There's further to fall at this point and other people's disappointment to take into account.

The signs so far have all been good but I'm afraid some of them are down to other things. I definitely haven't been constantly searching Google for early pregnancy symptoms (yeah right) but I thought I'd list mine in case it helps anyone else:

- sore boobs (could be down to the Crinone)
- no bleeding/spotting (could be down to the Crinone)
- bloated stomach (probably down to the bucketloads of ivf drugs)
- more tired (could be down to all the events of the last couple of months)
- feeling a bit 'off' or run down (could be coming down with something)
- more hungry (probably down to greed).

I've been trying to reassure myself that my daily home pregnancy tests have been positive and the lines have been strong. The Clear Blue tests moved from 2-3 weeks to 3+ a few days after I started testing and have stayed that way.

Plus The Husband has been very good at reassuring me (Me: the little embabies are still in there aren't they? Him: yes, of course they are. Repeat hourly until baby is born).

And speaking of Crinone - oh my, that stuff is bizarre. All can be quiet for a few days and then suddenly and without warning I'll have an avalanche of lumpy clumpy weird looking gunk falling out. Nice. Still, it's a miniscule price to pay...

So, the scan is tomorrow and I just hope and pray they find one or two little fighters in there.

To be continued...