Thursday, 30 June 2011
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
On Monday last week, my beautiful, intelligent, talented, funny, popular, loved and loving 14 year old niece died very suddenly and unexpectedly.
I do not have the words to describe the horror of this past week and a half. The pain my brother, sister in law and nephew are going through is unimaginable. In time, the rest of us will get on with our lives but for them, this is just the start.
To me, this is pure devastation - nothing will ever be the same again.
In the meantime, I continue injecting myself with ivf drugs but to be honest, it has lost all meaning to me now.
The world no longer makes sense.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Well it’s been almost a month since I last wrote a blog. In fact, in the four months since IVF1 failed, I’ve written a grand total of five blogs.
I’ve just found it so hard to translate my thoughts and feelings into words. And actually most of the time I don’t even really know what I’m feeling. I think my mind and my heart have become numb to the devastation of not getting pregnant. Sometimes it almost feels like I’ve lost sight of why I’m doing all this, that it’s just become a part of life, something I need to do.
But here I am again, starting another IVF cycle.
It’s pretty much the same protocol as last time (long day 21) so down regging with buserilin for two weeks (when my ovaries will go to sleep) and then stimming with Gonal for up to 12 days (when my ovaries will wake up again). Except this time they’re upping my Gonal dose from 225 to 300 in the hope of getting more eggs and then getting some of those eggs to blastocyst stage ie day 5 transfer (my clinic’s success rates have improved significantly since they’ve started getting more people to blast).
To recap, in IVF1 I got 8 eggs and 6 fertilised but by Day 3 I only had one good quality and a couple of average so they transferred two embryos on day 3.
I’ll also be using Crinone gel instead of progesterone in oil injections after egg collection. Although it’s only just starting to become more widely used in the UK, the evidence they’ve gathered at my clinic so far shows it’s effective for people who tend to bleed early – as I do. This is a huge relief as the PIO injections were so bloody painful.
This time, I’ll also be having weekly acupuncture throughout the process and additional sessions around collection and transfer. My acupuncturist is wonderful and I’m pretty sure the sessions over the last couple of months have helped keep me balanced.
I also plan to eat a sizeable amount of chocolate, watch lots of crappy TV and read the full spectrum of gossip magazines. Apparently this is not only allowed, it’s obligatory.
So right now I’m feeling fairly relaxed and will try to stay that way for as long as possible.
I’m going to make a concerted effort to start blogging regularly again – partly for selfish reasons because the support I get from my tweeps and blog followers is amazing – and partly because I know it helps others going through this process.
So please, stay with me on this journey and hopefully this time I’ll give you a happy ending.