As each month goes by and I’m still not pregnant, I withdraw into myself a bit more. I find it hard to express emotions at the best of times but dealing with infertility is on a whole other level. Even in my blog and on Twitter, where I should feel comfortable in the knowledge I’m among people who completely understand and who will get me, I just can’t bring myself to let loose and reveal everything that’s going on in my head.
I know I’m not alone with this but I have so many thoughts, fears and emotions that are with me ALL THE TIME. There’s barely a waking moment when I’m not aware of desperately wanting to be pregnant, to know how it feels to have our baby growing inside me - but not being able to get there.
A lot of the time when I appear to be fine, I don’t feel fine. And my attempts to seem fine – either to the few people who know or to the many who don’t – are so bloody tiring.
I feel like I need to start trying to release all the crap that’s been building up inside me, especially before I start IVF. So I’ve started regular therapy sessions to try and get rid of some of the demons. I don’t find the sessions easy but my therapist has helped me through a previous low point, so I trust her and feel safe there.
This Friday I have my appointment with the fertility doctor to talk through timing and protocol for IVF treatment. I’m nervous but I know it’s a positive step.
I’ll update again over the weekend.