Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Releasing the crap

As each month goes by and I’m still not pregnant, I withdraw into myself a bit more. I find it hard to express emotions at the best of times but dealing with infertility is on a whole other level. Even in my blog and on Twitter, where I should feel comfortable in the knowledge I’m among people who completely understand and who will get me, I just can’t bring myself to let loose and reveal everything that’s going on in my head.

I know I’m not alone with this but I have so many thoughts, fears and emotions that are with me ALL THE TIME. There’s barely a waking moment when I’m not aware of desperately wanting to be pregnant, to know how it feels to have our baby growing inside me - but not being able to get there.

A lot of the time when I appear to be fine, I don’t feel fine. And my attempts to seem fine – either to the few people who know or to the many who don’t – are so bloody tiring.

I feel like I need to start trying to release all the crap that’s been building up inside me, especially before I start IVF. So I’ve started regular therapy sessions to try and get rid of some of the demons. I don’t find the sessions easy but my therapist has helped me through a previous low point, so I trust her and feel safe there.

This Friday I have my appointment with the fertility doctor to talk through timing and protocol for IVF treatment. I’m nervous but I know it’s a positive step.

I’ll update again over the weekend.

Until then



  1. I can relate to how you feel. I blog over at and I can appreciate what you are feeling. I have a lot of baggage from IF and I just completed my first IVF cycle. Today was my transfer an who kmows if it will work? Everything is so damn ify. (((hugs))) to you and what you are going through.

  2. Hi there.
    It is cath from positively calm and i have just started following you on twitter.
    i just wanted to comment after reading this update, hope that's ok.
    Sounds like a really positive step forward for you with the therapy- a lot of grief, trauma and anger can be stored in those abdominal areas so it can do no harm to get rid of it, even though that can be really hard.
    have you looked at any complementary therapies?
    I know i am fully biased but i have seen reiki reallly help clients both with infertility and releasing emotions that they have struggled to get rid off. swallowing down feelings is so negative for body and mind. just if you feel sick and keep swallowing it down, you are not letting your body get rid of poisons. It can be really hard to let go of emotions because of worrying of upsetting others or just worrying what will happen when you have to confront it all, but it rally does feel better in the long run - as i am sure you are finding anyway. do you suffer from throat complaints at all?
    even if it isn't reiki you go for, something that works on your energy centres ( chakras) will really help balance you out energy wise. Have you tried yoga at all - that will also balance your physical body as well as helping you deal with and express emotions.
    I can't promise that any therapy will help you get pregnant but it can help you deal with the stress and let go - find ways to cope with the frustration and sadness.
    take care and rest easy and try and take time for you - but also with your partner. xxx