The other day one of the people I follow on Twitter tweeted that she’d dreamed about a baby. She sounded really excited about it and I felt a pang because I hadn’t had one of those dreams for a long time and I know how lovely it can be.
Well, this morning I had a dream just before I woke up that took hold of my heart and wouldn’t let go.
I was in my grandma’s old flat. My grandma died a few years ago but I was really close to her and spent a lot of time in that flat when I was growing up so it has very good memories for me. I dream about it a lot.
Anyway, I was in the kitchen and the daughter of a family friend was with me – this is quite random as I haven’t seen this girl in ages and we’re not close. Plus she looked how she did when she was a teenager, which was about 25 years ago.
Still, she was there, gatecrashing my dream for some reason, but I wasn’t really paying much attention to her as I could see there was a baby sitting in the corner of the kitchen. It was probably a few months old and had light blonde hair and bright blue eyes and it was just sitting there on its own, good as gold, playing with a little toy.
I couldn’t take my eyes of this baby, it was so cute and gorgeous-looking, and after watching it for a bit I went over and picked it up and took it back to the counter and sat it down there. I played with it for a while and then I went to hug it and it hugged me back and we just stayed like that, hugging and rocking gently from side to side. I knew it wasn’t my baby but I didn’t want to stop hugging it.
Then something woke me up. It was one of those dreams I knew I didn’t want to leave so I tried to stay with it for as long as possible but I slowly came back to reality and I knew it was just another morning before work.
I felt such a deep sadness I didn’t know what to do and I cried proper heartache tears. My lovely husband hugged me and brought me tissues and asked me what was wrong. I told him briefly about the dream but it’s so hard to explain a feeling like that.
After I’d pulled myself together and he'd left for work, I went to the toilet and saw the heavy blood stain on my panty liner and I came right back down to earth.
I know I’m particularly hormonal at the moment but this feels hard.
Day 1, Cycle 14, decisions to make...
Until next time.