Thursday, 5 August 2010

Please can someone come and find me?

If I’m going to be honest, I don’t feel entirely comfortable putting my feelings out there and letting the world read about them (which is ridiculous when you think about it as I am completely anonymous on here – except to the three people who know me).

So my blogs have always skimmed the surface of my feelings. I’ve tried to make my blogs more of an entertaining read than a truly honest account of what’s really going on inside my head and my heart.

But today, I just want to be honest and say how I’m really feeling.

I have no idea what to do now.

Every specialist or so-called ‘expert’ gives me different advice.

If I search on the internet to try to find some answers, I am confronted by endless horror stories that upset me and make me even more worried.

Every time I feel more positive or hopeful, something happens to bring me right back down again.

I’ve begun to avoid seeing and speaking to the people closest to me because I don’t think I have anything to offer.

I hate not having control over any of this.

I can’t think about anything else any more.

I usually know what to do next but now I just feel at a loss.

Actually, I feel lost.

Please can someone come and find me?

Until next time.



  1. I can speak of only my own experience. I know that I wrapped so much of my emotions into each month's round of HPTs that I became a maniac. The highs were over the moon and the lows were really low. I think you can only arm yourself with some knowledge and make the best decision you can. That's the best any of us can do, right?

    So, I don't think you need to be found. I think you could frame this period of your life in terms of a swimming from one end of the pool to the other. It sucks when you're in the middle but you'll reach the other side.

  2. Hello Dear,

    It’s your husband, ‘Tom’, (is that my name on here?).

    It breaks my heart to see you feeling so low, lost, frustrated, and upset. Every time one of these clumsy doctors, specialists or so-called experts says something confusing or tactless to you, I just want to go and shake some sense into them. How can they be so blo*dy insensitive?

    I know that you know that there are no absolute answers out there – there are just too many unknowns – and that all you want right now (apart from the obvious) is some kind of direction, but I do know that we’ll get there in the end. I just know it, like I knew that one day we’d meet each other. There was never any doubt.

    I truly believe that it’s a matter of when, not if. But apparently, the time is not right for us right now. Stupid time, what’s it waiting for?

    Don’t feel lost, baby. I know it’s hard, and I know how much you really, really want this.

    We’ll keep trying, and try everything we can and we’ll get there. I promise.

    Anyway, I had some downtime at work (i.e. I couldn’t be a*sed to do any work) and so thought I’d do some looking-up-things-on-the-interweb about fertility and conception.

    Three hours, two cups of tea and half a flapjack (I was saving that) later and my head hurts, but here are the results of my very scientifical research:

    1. A short luteul phase seems to be a symptom of low progesterone, not a thing in its own right
    2. Natural Progesterone Therapy really works!
    3. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t
    4. Natural fertility therapies include herbal consumption, acupuncture, diet, supplements and an exercise regime such as Qigong and yoga, meditation, cognitive restructuring, emotional support and internal self inquiry to improve and nourish the reproductive system
    5. What the hell is internal self inquiry?
    6. The most common cause of not conceiving is ‘unexplained’
    7. Agnus Castus is the herb of choice for helping to restore hormone imbalance and increasing fertility. In one study 48 women diagnosed with infertility took Agnus Castus daily for three months, 7 of them became pregnant during that time and 25 of them regained normal progesterone levels
    8. I’ll look further into this
    9. Reducing stress and increasing relaxation can aid conception. Eating chocolate and ice cream helps reduce stress and increase relaxation. Therefore, After Eights and Cornettos can aid conception (hey, you can’t argue with the science)
    10. There are as many success stories as there are scary horror stories about conception and fertility on the net. Don’t read the horror stories
    11. Everyone has a miracle product/book/service to sell you, online and off, that will somehow help us get pregnant quickly and easily
    12. I think your blog is excellent.

    So, there you have my expert, independent, scientific ‘opinion’. I’m a qualified husband you know. That’ll be £300 please.


  3. Oh sweetie! I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I tried for 3 yrs and I had so many moments of feeling utterly alone. But you're not. As far as reading things...oh boy, that frustrated me too. I can recommend some books that helped (unless you're totally burned out on books) One was "The Infertility Survival Handbook: everything you never thought you'd need to know", by Elizabeth Swire Falker, half memoir and half advice. The other was "Conquering Infertility" by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D
    The best advice I can give, is follow your guts. If you need to take a few months off DO IT! Trust me, it was the best thing we did the few times we took a break. Hang in there. You're not along. I send you hugs across this strange highway. : )

  4. TrishLoyd - thanks so much for the comment, and for the advice, that's v helpful. Will definitely take a look at those books you recommend. ☺

  5. I can so relate - to feeling lost, like I have no control, like it's never going to happen. Everything you said. And your husband's comment brought a smile to my face. Having spent most of the morning reading about the horror stories, item #10 was particularly helpful!