Tuesday, 17 August 2010

I want my money back

I don’t get it.

The instruction manual said when you get the smiley face, it means your egg will pop out soon so the man has to quickly stick his thing in your thing until the sperm shoot out.

And while you’re going about your business, the sperm will be happily swimming around in your lady bits until one of them remembers it has a job to do, at which point it races off to find the egg.

Meanwhile, the egg has been lazily swimming down the tube, when she is suddenly accosted by the frantic sperm. After a bit of a scuffle, they agree to join together and then they both go swimming until they come across the lovely velvety cushioned lining.

After all that swimming, they need a bit of a rest and that lining really does look inviting so they squeeze themselves in there and don’t move for a good long while until it’s safe to come out. At which point they’ve become one tiny little foetus that grows and grows and grows until nine months later, it’s an actual fully-formed, healthy baby and it slides smoothly (and painlessly) out the lady bits and then the man and the woman love it forever (even though it can be a real pain in the arse sometimes).

The end.

It was definitely something along those lines. And it seems quite straightforward - other people do it easily enough.

But I’ve tried it 13 times now and it hasn’t worked.

And it makes me sad.

And scared.

I want my money back.

Until next time.


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