Four little fighters

We had six eggs collected yesterday and today we have four embryos.

I'm proud of my body for doing what it needed to do through all the crap that's going on at the moment.

We have four little fighters.

We're still in the game.

Day 9 follie report - could do better but I'm still lucky

My Day 9 scan was done today.

And the numbers are: five follies on my left and three on my right. The biggest is 15mm, a couple are at 13mm, a couple at 11mm, and the rest from 7 to 10mm.

I can't help but compare this to my last cycle when at this stage I had six follies on each side and a good number were in the 17-20mm range - the ideal size for egg collection. Plus, I've been on a higher dose of Gonal this time - 300 (up from 225) so I had higher expectations to go with it.

To sum up, none of my follies are up to scratch yet. One is getting close and four others are thinking about it. The rest are having a nice relaxing time doing not very much.

So I have another scan set for Friday and in the meantime I keep taking the drugs in the hope my follies decide to perk up and get in the game.

Truthfully, I'm finding this tough now. I feel mentally drained. All the family stuff that's been going on since my niece died is taking its toll. I pretty much lost sight of why I'm doing the ivf and have just been doing my best to get through it.

But if I stop and think about it, if I look around me, I know that I'm lucky. Yes, you heard me. Even though I'd never have chosen to go through this shit, the bottom line is I am going through it. But I still have options, I still have the opportunity to do ivf. I know there are lots of women of all ages who would give anything to be able to do it but for whatever reason - biological, financial etc - they are unable to.

So in support of these women, I'm going to take a deep breath, dig into my reserves and see this thing through with as much strength and dignity as I can find. And who knows? I might even end up with my baby...

Before I go, please join me in sending love and strength to @lilytaj and @DeadCowGirl, who both had failed ivf cycles this week. Thinking of you both...

The pain, the support and the shitload of hormones

First of all I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who's supported me lately through my blog or on Twitter. It really means so much, I'm just sorry I haven't been around much to support all of you.

It's been harder than ever for me to update this blog because everything at the moment is so unreal, so big, so awful.

I can't write about the pain my family is going through because there are no words for that. And I still have no idea how I feel about the ivf so I don't know how to write about that either.

On the whole, I feel like I'm hovering around most areas of my life but not really properly taking part in any of them. I want to be there more for my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and my parents but don't always know how to. I've taken compassionate leave from work for a few days this week because I wasn't able to concentrate on anything while I was there, and I've not really been around much to speak to or see my friends.

And of course the ivf. I'm going through the motions of this cycle but I'm not really engaged with it. I'm scared about either outcome this time to be honest, but mostly I don't want to be responsible for causing more pain and grief for my family if it doesn't work out.

I expect everything is compounded by the shitload of hormones in my system now. I extended my down reg injections by a week so I could have a bit more time to get my head round things. So that meant three and a half weeks of Buserilin before I started the Gonal on Monday this week (which they upped to 300 from 225 in ivf1).

My day 5 blood test is tomorrow and day 9 scan next Tuesday so I'll soon know how my follies are progressing. Maybe then things will start to hit home and feel a bit more real. I hope so.

Before I go I wanted to mention The Husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary this week. We went out for a lovely meal, exchanged gifts and had a relaxing, fun evening. He lifts my spirits and keeps me going, and he's been such an amazing support to my family these last few weeks. To me, that's invaluable.

In the midst of all the crap, I haven't forgotten for a second how lucky I am to have him by my side.

Devastation

On Monday last week, my beautiful, intelligent, talented, funny, popular, loved and loving 14 year old niece died very suddenly and unexpectedly.

I do not have the words to describe the horror of this past week and a half. The pain my brother, sister in law and nephew are going through is unimaginable. In time, the rest of us will get on with our lives but for them, this is just the start.

To me, this is pure devastation - nothing will ever be the same again.

In the meantime, I continue injecting myself with ivf drugs but to be honest, it has lost all meaning to me now.

The world no longer makes sense.

IVF2, Day 1

Well it’s been almost a month since I last wrote a blog. In fact, in the four months since IVF1 failed, I’ve written a grand total of five blogs.

I’ve just found it so hard to translate my thoughts and feelings into words. And actually most of the time I don’t even really know what I’m feeling. I think my mind and my heart have become numb to the devastation of not getting pregnant. Sometimes it almost feels like I’ve lost sight of why I’m doing all this, that it’s just become a part of life, something I need to do.

But here I am again, starting another IVF cycle.

It’s pretty much the same protocol as last time (long day 21) so down regging with buserilin for two weeks (when my ovaries will go to sleep) and then stimming with Gonal for up to 12 days (when my ovaries will wake up again). Except this time they’re upping my Gonal dose from 225 to 300 in the hope of getting more eggs and then getting some of those eggs to blastocyst stage ie day 5 transfer (my clinic’s success rates have improved significantly since they’ve started getting more people to blast).

To recap, in IVF1 I got 8 eggs and 6 fertilised but by Day 3 I only had one good quality and a couple of average so they transferred two embryos on day 3.

I’ll also be using Crinone gel instead of progesterone in oil injections after egg collection. Although it’s only just starting to become more widely used in the UK, the evidence they’ve gathered at my clinic so far shows it’s effective for people who tend to bleed early – as I do. This is a huge relief as the PIO injections were so bloody painful.

This time, I’ll also be having weekly acupuncture throughout the process and additional sessions around collection and transfer. My acupuncturist is wonderful and I’m pretty sure the sessions over the last couple of months have helped keep me balanced.

I also plan to eat a sizeable amount of chocolate, watch lots of crappy TV and read the full spectrum of gossip magazines. Apparently this is not only allowed, it’s obligatory.

So right now I’m feeling fairly relaxed and will try to stay that way for as long as possible.

I’m going to make a concerted effort to start blogging regularly again – partly for selfish reasons because the support I get from my tweeps and blog followers is amazing – and partly because I know it helps others going through this process.

So please, stay with me on this journey and hopefully this time I’ll give you a happy ending.