The pain, the support and the shitload of hormones

First of all I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who's supported me lately through my blog or on Twitter. It really means so much, I'm just sorry I haven't been around much to support all of you.

It's been harder than ever for me to update this blog because everything at the moment is so unreal, so big, so awful.

I can't write about the pain my family is going through because there are no words for that. And I still have no idea how I feel about the ivf so I don't know how to write about that either.

On the whole, I feel like I'm hovering around most areas of my life but not really properly taking part in any of them. I want to be there more for my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and my parents but don't always know how to. I've taken compassionate leave from work for a few days this week because I wasn't able to concentrate on anything while I was there, and I've not really been around much to speak to or see my friends.

And of course the ivf. I'm going through the motions of this cycle but I'm not really engaged with it. I'm scared about either outcome this time to be honest, but mostly I don't want to be responsible for causing more pain and grief for my family if it doesn't work out.

I expect everything is compounded by the shitload of hormones in my system now. I extended my down reg injections by a week so I could have a bit more time to get my head round things. So that meant three and a half weeks of Buserilin before I started the Gonal on Monday this week (which they upped to 300 from 225 in ivf1).

My day 5 blood test is tomorrow and day 9 scan next Tuesday so I'll soon know how my follies are progressing. Maybe then things will start to hit home and feel a bit more real. I hope so.

Before I go I wanted to mention The Husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary this week. We went out for a lovely meal, exchanged gifts and had a relaxing, fun evening. He lifts my spirits and keeps me going, and he's been such an amazing support to my family these last few weeks. To me, that's invaluable.

In the midst of all the crap, I haven't forgotten for a second how lucky I am to have him by my side.