Tuesday, 13 July 2010

So many questions, so few answers

This is in lots of ways the best bit - but also the worst.

The first few days after ovulation, I pretty much relax in the knowledge we've done everything we can. I'm also quietly hopeful at this point. However a few days in, I start to think about what might be happening in there and whether everything is as it's supposed to be. Then I start getting paranoid about what I should or shouldn't be doing.

Should I go swimming? Should I spend more time lying down? Should I not go swimming? Should I spend more time standing up? Should I eat lots of chocolate? Obviously the answer to the last question is always yes, regardless of the circumstances.

And after the paranoid stage comes the obsessive compulsive stage. I'm sure I got that white/yellow/blue stain in my knickers three days earlier/later last month....I don't remember my breasts getting sore in Month 3, 6, 7 or 10...maybe there's some kind of formula I don't know about....is this definitely Day 18? I'd better count for the 14th time....what does the internet say about feeling thirsty on Day 19?...omigod is that blood??!!!

This month, my feelings during these phases will all be heightened. Not only is it Month 12, marking a year since we first started trying, but it's also the last month of trying before my hysteroscopy. Although I'm trying not to think too much about it, I'm a little bit nervous about having it done, wondering what they might find or perhaps worse, what they might leave behind.

I have a feeling what they'll find is scar tissue from when they removed a polyp two years ago. But when they remove scar tissue, don't they just leave more scar tissue? And how much can scar tissue affect the chances of implantation?

I think what you'll probably deduce from reading this blog entry is that I have lots of unanswered questions rattling around my head. And I think that's the crux of the matter with infertility. There are an infinite amount of questions and very few answers - even from the experts.

If anyone has any, I'd be very keen to know.

Until next time.


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