Where’s my smiley face?

Eleven months ago, I embarked on that weird and wonderful (or perhaps just weird) journey to becoming pregnant. Initially optimistic and naively confident, I am now wondering where this long and winding fertility road will lead me, whether I will reach the sleepless nights and dirty nappies I absurdly crave.

So I thought I’d write this blog to help me chart my journey and seek out fellow travellers. I’d be incredibly grateful if you could let me know if you’ve come along for the ride. Just so I know for sure I’m not on my own. Here we go…

I have never spent more time inspecting the inside of my knickers. Possibly not the most gracious start to a blog – my first ever in fact - but it’s true. Eleven months in and I am none the wiser. This month, the time when I was supposed to be ovulating was tainted, quite literally, with something the colour of old ketchup. That was a new one. Any ideas?

Obviously I’ve researched it on the internet on at least 16 separate occasions over the last three days and have decided, depending on my mood, that I have anything from a very early, very unwelcome period to early onset menopause (I’m 38).

All rational thinking has blatantly gone out the window.

Whatever it is though, I’m not particularly happy about it, as this was my last attempt before a number of significant upcoming events:

• My first-year wedding anniversary – I had hoped to be celebrating this with the knowledge of becoming a parent in the not-too-distant future. It will still be a big celebration (I was single until I was 35, plus I’m Jewish - you do the math) and I am still massively happy and grateful to be married to my amazing husband. But, you know, it would have been nice.

• An impending hysteroscopy (where they knock you out and stick a camera on the end of a scrapey thing into your womb and remove any offending articles). A scan a few months ago showed ‘an irregularity’ which they think they should check out. Was hoping not to have to go through this again – I had one two years ago to remove a polyp, now it’s just becoming habit.

• My friend’s wedding – although of course a very happy occasion which I will no doubt enjoy, I will be sitting alongside the Smug Pregnants / New Parents, feeling just a little bit inadequate.

But I remain hopeful that tomorrow will be the day I’ll get that smiley face on the digital wee stick (day 18 - is that even possible?). In the meantime, for anyone else desperately hoping to see a smiley face too, I'll leave you with one below.

Until next time.

Juno ☺