Sunday, 20 March 2011

Getting back on that horse

I’ve tried so many times to update my blog but I’ve generally got as far as the opening sentence, stared at the screen for a while, closed the document and then hit ‘Don’t Save’.

I just haven't known what I want to say. It’s now nearly seven weeks since IVF 1 failed and there’s still a fairly jumbled up mess inside my head. I feel so differently day to day, usually a mix of numb, sad, anxious and fearful. And this past week I've started to feel that overwhelming longing again, that ache in my heart.

Seven weeks on and my instinct is still to crawl into a hole and hide. Not great.

But I'm pushing myself to move on. I need to get my head straight and my confidence back so I'm ready to tackle another cycle. After all, in about 10 days I'm turning 39. Eek. Tick tock tick tock...

So I'm starting to speak to and see my friends and family more, I signed up for some volunteer work with local elderly people and we've decided to start trying naturally again. I'm going to back off from the alcohol, eat more healthily again and get reacquainted with those pre-natal vitamins. Yep, I'm getting back on that horse.

But most importantly, I keep reminding myself of what's good in my life. My Twitter/blog family are an amazing source of never-ending support and I'm incredibly lucky to have close family and friends around me. But at the centre of all of this is my husband. He's been an absolute rock these last couple of months and has kept me going. I am hugely grateful to have him by my side.

Well, I seem to have written something resembling a blog.

Onwards and upwards.


  1. That's great! It's a big step to come back with a renewed hope. xoxo

  2. Ahh so proud of you hun for writing a post, that's a breakthrough. I felt similar to you and couldn't write much after my last cycle, I just needed some time.
    Hopefully as the days pass it will get a little bit easier, just take one day at a time.
    Moon xx

  3. I admire your strength! I can't think how it feels to go through a failed attempt but if I do I hope I will be brave and I know I have all of you for support. Well done! x

  4. Always thinking of you whether you're posting or not. Hope things continue to sort themselves out. <3

  5. Welcome back! Im very proud of you.

    I also felt similarly to you and Moonie. I have struggled to find anything to write about, but I think the key to it, is to not force it.

    You are back on the horse now and you are taking baby steps to make it to your next destination.

    Big hugs
    LilyTaj xx

  6. Big hugs.
    that's really great. It's tough times - but you and hub are clearly working well together too and to draw strength from each other i am sure will help.
    I know i keep banging on about it, but i can't suggest reiki anymore. on top of the original client i had, i talked to another lady on a forum who wanted to know more about reiki as i had mentioned it and she had a friend who had offered a treatment. she had been trying for years and was officially terming herself desperate to conceive... she is now pregnant. i don't want to give false hope in any way - but i really think it clears blockages and fear in so many ways we don't know anything about, it might be just worth a tiny shot.
    Also some orange coloured crystals - relate to the lower regions and sexual/reproductive energy - and some meditative breathing - focusing on breathing energy in and out of those regions - taking in good feelings and letting go of negative ones.
    And, if you can find it anywhere - local gym or leisure centre or village hall - some yoga sessions - even one or two- can do amazing things to changing your body alignment.

    I absolutely do not want to preach and you know what is best for you I have seen it make differences xxx
    much love and get on that horse and ride chick.

  7. Well done honey for writing this post. You have to give yourself time to grieve and do whatever you feel is right for you. I felt the just the same as you, LilyTaj and Moon.

    So onwards and upwards and we'll be here for you every step of the way.


  8. It's all about moving forward to move through this, but giving yourself time to heal too.

    And it's nice to remember there are good things in life beyond the elusive goal we seek.