Saturday, 26 February 2011

We were pregnant for a weekend

I thought it was about time I tried to get my thoughts in order. It's been nearly four weeks since ivf #1 failed with a chemical pregnancy.

We were pregnant for a weekend. My first ever BFP. And even though I was spotting and the line was so faint and I just knew it didn't feel right, I wanted to believe it so much that I ignored all the alarm bells.

So we cried happy tears, we got excited, we talked and we planned - the next few weeks, the next nine months, our entire lives.

And the next day, the Monday morning, came the bfn. I've never peed on so many sticks in such a short space of time as I did in those few days.

But the blood test confirmed it. I'd been pregnant but I wasn't any more. At least one of our beautiful embabies, maybe both, had tried really hard to make it but they just weren't strong enough.

Since then I've been mostly numb. I haven't shed many tears. I've been avoiding people close to me. I've been listening to loud music. I've been throwing myself into my job. I've been going through the motions of everyday life.

Sadness, shame, guilt, responsibility, fear, failure, anger, exhaustion are all mixed up together in a big tangled messy heap.

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I feel like I don't know how to be.

I know if I'm going to find the mental and physical strength to do this all again some time soon, but more importantly to believe it can work, I need to pick my way through that tangled heap and try to make some sense of it.

I'm working on it.


16 comments:

  1. Such a mind-fuck isn't it? As horrible and lonely as it feels, we need to remind ourselves that we aren't really alone. I could stand to remind myself of that right now to be honest. I guess that's part of why we blog. So others can see that they aren't alone, and in the hope that someone will speak up and say "Me too!"

    Take the time you need. Healing doesn't happen overnight. Sounds like you're heading the right direction to me.

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  2. So sorry to hear about this, so awful for you, I hope you find joy. xx

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  3. I'm so very sorry. I honestly can't imagine how you are feeling right now, but it sounds like you are working through this as well as possible. So much about infertility makes us feel alienated, remember you are never alone. Sending much love!

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  4. My first pregnancy went exactly like that. It's hard because you go through all the mental transition from infertile to pregnant and then abruptly have to shift back.

    When it happened to me, one of my girlfriends said that the thing she regretted the most about my losing the pregnancy was that I'd never be able to relax during a pregnancy again. I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'd be unable to be completely happy, the way I'd been for this one, because I'd know what lurked on the other side.

    I got through by reminding myself that I'd rather have hours and days with my baby than no time at all. But it's hard and I still miss my lost children.

    The tendency to blame yourself is natural, but this isn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. You didn't do anything wrong. When the mean voice blames you, you need to stand up for yourself and tell the mean voice that you didn't deserve this.

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  5. It is hard isn't it? I think I had an embryo that nearly made it on my fourth cycle. I did a positive pregnancy test ( but it was a really faint line) and then I got AF a couple of days later.

    Gutting.

    Sorry you had to go through it too.

    I have 7 little embryos trying to grow at the moment. There will be far fewer than that soon as I am having PGD so some of them will be unusable.

    Good luck with the rest of your IVF journey.

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  6. I'm so sorry. Sadly I just had a similar experience this month. On Valentines we got our first ever BFP!! We were so excited and starting talking about our future valentine's day with a baby. I went in for my first beta and it was at a low 16, two days later it dropped to a 9. I know it was over and even though it didn't last long it still hurt. Be strong and I'll be praying for you.

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  7. I'm so sorry- I missed your update earlier. I've also experienced that joy and excitement followed by loss. As hard as it is, I'm still grateful I had those joyful days before my loss. But it's so hard, I know.

    I'm thinking of you.

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  8. So sorry to read all this. I knew you had had the bad news but i don't think anything can prepare you for it to not happen.

    I haven't been there so i really don't know. All i can suggest is keep writing, keep talking to each other and the specialists, and do all you can in the mean time to relax, enjoy your relationship together and take care of each other. Which i know can be really hard when you are both hurting.

    Thinking of you xxxxx

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  9. I just wanted to thank you all for your incredibly supportive comments. They are hugely comforting and mean such a lot to me. Will post again soon xxx

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  10. I was so so hoping for good news for you from your IVF cycle. What a roller coaster - to have that first ever BFP snatched from you so soon. I'm so very very sorry. And the belief that something *can* work is what got me through (well, that and wine and cheese) some of my gutting failed IUI cycles after my loss. Thinking of you.

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  11. Hey sweetie, I thought I had posted a comment to your post but alas it seems not.
    Just want you to know we're all here for you and take all the time you need ((hug))
    Moon x

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  12. I'm so sorry honey, take your time to heal. It will happen.

    Hugs to you and your OH xx

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    Never give up, dear.

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  14. Congratulation……………………….
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