Look what I got this morning...

Yay!

Month 12, Day 12...there's a certain symmetry in that.

The rollercoaster ride continues.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

And the prize for the winning insult goes to...

I turned into a prize bitch last night. Usually, I’m a sensitive soul and don’t like to row as I find it so difficult to deal with. But last night I really went for it.

This is not something to be proud of. I seemed to turn into evil monster who could only say nasty, horrible things - all to my adored husband. At one point during the peak of my rantings I called him ‘an f’ing insensitive uncaring bastard’. I think I vaguely heard him mumble something about me being ‘an irrational fruitbat’ but to be fair to him, he kept calm throughout the entire episode.

I hurled abuse for about half an hour, then stomped about the flat slamming doors and banging things, then I cried, then he hugged me, then I cried some more, and then we went to sleep.

And the reason for this drama? I have absolutely no idea. It came out of nowhere and was about nothing very much at all. But I am fully aware that I needed no real reason, that I just needed to let rip.

There are a lot of raw feelings and emotions bubbling beneath the surface when you’re trying to get pregnant. For both sides.

So, the opportunity to vent those feelings can sometimes seem too enticing to miss. But with the person you know and love the most, who’s as vulnerable and bruised as you are? Not ideal.

This morning I vowed never to do that to him again. I hope I stick to it.

Until next time.
Juno ☺

'Big baby' risk

Spotted this interesting little nugget in the Evening Standard and thought I'd share it.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

You're not the only one, Jennifer Aniston

So, on the front of this week's Grazia is the headline: "Jen: Baby news that's stunned Hollywood".

I immediately wondered what could be so incredibly shocking to the whole of Hollywood that had to do with both Jennifer Aniston and some news about a baby?

Did Jen announce she hated all babies and never ever wanted to see one again? Did she declare she was pregnant with octuplets and they were all different nationalities? Did she reveal she would never be able to have a baby?

I could see how any of those revelations might have stunned Hollywood.

But no, the apparently surprising news is that, "After years of speculation, Jennifer Aniston has boldly stated she plans to become a mother by the end of 2011."

She's 41 and female. This is shocking news?

I suppose I'd better call the local Gazette first thing tomorrow then.

Until next time.
Juno ☺

At least we're having lots of sex

Sometimes I forget there are two of us going through this. I don't doubt that as a woman, I feel it more acutely. After all, it's my body, my hormones, my biological clock.

But my husband has feelings about this too. He also wants to have children and sometimes I forget that. If I'm honest, so far it's all been about me - my disappointment, my failure, my hurt. And he has to console me month after month, do his best to pick me up and put me back together again, and just wait patiently until I return to something resembling normal again.

But I'm starting to feel a huge sense of guilt about this. Guilt about not getting pregnant, not giving Tom the son or daughter that I strongly believe will be the making of him, but also guilt about being such a drain on his emotions. Especially during the first year of marriage, technically still our honeymoon period.

Spending a lot of my 20s and 30s nursing a broken heart and an immense longing to be with someone, I know how lucky I am to have met Tom and I never want to take him or our marriage for granted. He is absolutely everything to me - he makes me laugh, listens to my drivel, talks endless rubbish with me and teaches me so much about so many things.

I don't want to do anything to jeopardise that, but I'm 38 and we don't have the luxury of time.

Oh well, at least we're having lots of sex.

Until next time.

Juno ☺