Sunday, 28 August 2011

Tears of joy and sadness

I haven't been on Twitter much lately, nothing is normal in my life right now and I'm finding it hard to communicate in general. I hope this entry goes some way to explaining why.

On Friday, at 8 weeks and 4 days, we saw our little jelly baby for the second time. The first time was at 6 weeks 2 days. Despite getting daily positives for the two weeks from the first pregnancy test to the scan, the relief of knowing there was actually something growing inside me was immense. Especially as it took the sonographer a good minute or so to find the little tinker in the gestation sac.

That was the longest minute of my life, I don't think I actually breathed. But finally she located it and we saw the little flicker of the heartbeat on the screen. This was what I had waited two years to see. When she turned up the volume and we heard the heartbeat, I thought I would burst.

Later, outside the clinic, The Husband held me as I cried two years' worth of tears, big heaving sobs. People passing us on the street must have wondered what terrible thing had happened and between sobs I urged The Husband to tell everyone they were happy tears.

The emotions I felt on the day of that first scan were indescribable. The emotions I felt on Friday at the second scan, seeing the miracle of this tiny and brand new life in front of our eyes - the head, the body, the spine, the little leg and arm buds - and hearing that strong heartbeat again, were a step beyond that.

I cannot imagine feeling any more for this tiny 2cm being, our creation, our child, than I do now, but I know I will. I am still scared of what could happen but I also have this feeling that everything will be ok. The Husband believes babies choose their parents and I'm also convinced this little fighter chose us, knowing the time was right to come into our lives. So I'm going to trust it to do what it needs to do, to grow and get stronger each day, and each day I know I will love it a little more.

I wish I could leave this entry here, with a happy ending. But I can't, because this isn't the only thing going in our lives.

On Saturday we went to tell my brother and sister-in-law our news. I had been so anxious about this moment, not because I thought they wouldn't be happy for us, but because I knew the immense emotions it would bring for them.

I will never forget how that conversation went, for now it keeps going through my head on a loop and I have cried a lot of tears over it, but I'm afraid I can't bring myself to describe it. All I will say is that, in their own ways, they handled it with as much dignity as they could muster.

My sister-in-law is wearing her emotions on her sleeve which makes it easier to understand and comfort her. My brother has shut down and no one can reach him. I cannot begin to imagine his pain but I see evidence of it reflected in his eyes and etched into his face. It is truly heartbreaking. I feel like I've not only lost a niece but also the brother I knew, and I miss him terribly.

The difference in our lives at this point couldn't be more apparent. It's like a Shakespearean tragedy - or maybe a Hollywood movie. The rest of my family - my parents and my sister - are now torn between immense joy and overwhelming sadness. As am I. It is an unreal situation, I just hope in time the joy will become more significant for all of us.


  1. So very very VERY happy for you. It must be confusing to have such feelings of joy at this new life you've created while watching your brother and sister in law go through so much pain over their loss. Thinking of you.

  2. I cannot comprehend the mixture of emotions you and your family must be experiencing right now, both extremes of the spectrum.
    You're in my thoughts and I hope over time things will become easier for you, you have been through so much.
    Thinking of you sweetpea.
    Moonie xx

  3. It must be so hard to stay positive, but it is okay to have a bag of emotions going on. I dont think that you should think of your baby as being there to replace the sadness of the loss of your niece for your family. That just puts pressure on you. It is wonderful in your own right that you are pregnant and desperately sad in her own right about your niece. I so hope that your pregnancy is continuing in a positive way and that you have a lovely baby in six months time for you and your family to delight in.

  4. Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you. Hope you're doing well. <3

  5. Hi i’m Heather! I have a question for you! Please email me :)