Saturday, 7 May 2011

IVF2, the baby dream and the tears

Lately I’ve been feeling much stronger, the tangled mess in my head seems to have been unravelling and I’ve been able to look forward again.

Yesterday, we went to see our consultant about starting the next cycle of ivf around the end of the month. I came out feeling positive, hopeful and even a bit excited.

Last night I had a baby dream. I was playing with a gorgeous little baby, making it smile and giggle. I felt so happy but I just had this feeling it wasn’t really my baby. It turned out to be my sister-in-law’s.

This morning we found out friends who'd got married exactly a year after us had just given birth to their first son.

Today I hurt so much – an intense physical aching in my heart that I haven't felt since the chemical pregnancy. I got into bed earlier, started crying and couldn’t stop. The tears seemed to come from somewhere so deep inside me.

My husband came upstairs and found me like this. He comforted me and told me it was ok to be sad. I said that everyone around us seemed to be having babies but I could only dream about them.

He told me we weren’t like everyone else, that we’re special and that we’ll have our baby, at some point, somehow.

I listened to his words, dried my tears and carried on with the day.


  1. I know how you must be feeling, my daughter was very lucky to have a little girl by IVF after wanting and hoping for her own baby for 4 long years. Now my daughter in law is going through the same pain, and I am going through it with her as I did with my daughter. As I kept saying to my daughter, and keep saying to my daughter in law, keep positive, try and relax, it will happen, it did happen to my daughter, I hope it will happen to you too. All the very best. xxx

  2. Im sorry you are feeling that awful aching pain in your heart. I know it well and I wish it never existed for any of us. All we can do is take one day and a time and keep on hoping & believing that one day we will be blessed with our miracle. Big hugs. LilyTaj xox

  3. Oh babe, my heart aches for you, it really does. Your hope and positivity will be back again very shortly, then you'll be I'm the best frame of mind to start again. Your husband is right, you will get there, I sincerely hope that this next time all your dreams come true. Sending you strength and hope.
    Much love xx

  4. Oh big hugs to you.
    Really will be crossing it all for this time - you will get there, your body did some stuff right last time - so fingers crossed.
    I try to keep as much hope as i can - hope is what keeps you going - and that positive thoughts will take you where you need to me.

  5. I agree with your husband- we are special. But I know it doesn't make it hurt any less- this whole thing just stinks most of the time.

    Sending you huge hugs I hope your dream baby will be meeting you in real life