If Emily was still here

If Emily was still here there wouldn't be so much pain 

If Emily was still here the world would turn more freely

If Emily was still here we would be a whole family

If Emily was still here we would be celebrating today 

She'd still be living her life

Happy 17th birthday Emily 

Round 2 - here we go again

It's been a long while since I blogged, and a lot has happened since. For a start, I have a 14 month old son called Samuel. He is just beautiful in every way and I feel like the luckiest person on earth.

There's obviously so much more to say and I'll try to gradually fill in the gaps over time but the reason I've come back to my blog now is because the possibility of another IVF cycle is looming. I guess I feel like I need an outlet and my blog helped me so much last time.

The thing is, we'd love a sibling for Samuel and because of my age (41, eek), we thought we'd better get cracking - so to speak. So when Samuel was only 7 months we started trying. I can't honestly say I was ready and it felt like a massive betrayal to Samuel (still does), but time is not our side.

And 8 cycles of trying down the line, with no luck once again, I thought it was time to think about next steps. I suppose first and foremost I want to check everything inside is still in working order and that childbirth and/or my age hasn't made my uterus shrivel up or my ovaries fall off.

So yesterday I went to see our IVF consultant. I basically love him because he helped us to get Samuel. I also love him because he's charming and bordering on handsome (although just on the wrong side of the border), and because he has dancing eyebrows. They dance independently of each other but at the same time. It's fascinating.

Sadly but predictably the consultant agreed that time isn't on my side and that I should get the inside of my uterus and my ovarian reserve checked. Plus The Husband needs to get his little guys tested. He said if we're thinking of going through IVF again we should wait until nearer the time so the results are as up to date as possible just before we go through a cycle.

So now we need to think about timing. It's weird thinking about going through an IVF cycle again. We're in such a different situation now we have Samuel. The intense longing and desperation aren't there although the feelings of inadequacy that my body can't seem to do what it's supposed to do are creeping back in.

Still, I'm reassured by the fact that it's worked once before (albeit our second cycle) so I could and would deal with it again. Now we just need to decide when...

(I don't know if anyone will read this, especially anyone I used to 'know' in cyberspace but if you are and I do, hello :) )