The pain, the support and the shitload of hormones

First of all I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who's supported me lately through my blog or on Twitter. It really means so much, I'm just sorry I haven't been around much to support all of you.

It's been harder than ever for me to update this blog because everything at the moment is so unreal, so big, so awful.

I can't write about the pain my family is going through because there are no words for that. And I still have no idea how I feel about the ivf so I don't know how to write about that either.

On the whole, I feel like I'm hovering around most areas of my life but not really properly taking part in any of them. I want to be there more for my brother, sister-in-law, nephew and my parents but don't always know how to. I've taken compassionate leave from work for a few days this week because I wasn't able to concentrate on anything while I was there, and I've not really been around much to speak to or see my friends.

And of course the ivf. I'm going through the motions of this cycle but I'm not really engaged with it. I'm scared about either outcome this time to be honest, but mostly I don't want to be responsible for causing more pain and grief for my family if it doesn't work out.

I expect everything is compounded by the shitload of hormones in my system now. I extended my down reg injections by a week so I could have a bit more time to get my head round things. So that meant three and a half weeks of Buserilin before I started the Gonal on Monday this week (which they upped to 300 from 225 in ivf1).

My day 5 blood test is tomorrow and day 9 scan next Tuesday so I'll soon know how my follies are progressing. Maybe then things will start to hit home and feel a bit more real. I hope so.

Before I go I wanted to mention The Husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary this week. We went out for a lovely meal, exchanged gifts and had a relaxing, fun evening. He lifts my spirits and keeps me going, and he's been such an amazing support to my family these last few weeks. To me, that's invaluable.

In the midst of all the crap, I haven't forgotten for a second how lucky I am to have him by my side.

IVF2, Day 1

Well it’s been almost a month since I last wrote a blog. In fact, in the four months since IVF1 failed, I’ve written a grand total of five blogs.

I’ve just found it so hard to translate my thoughts and feelings into words. And actually most of the time I don’t even really know what I’m feeling. I think my mind and my heart have become numb to the devastation of not getting pregnant. Sometimes it almost feels like I’ve lost sight of why I’m doing all this, that it’s just become a part of life, something I need to do.

But here I am again, starting another IVF cycle.

It’s pretty much the same protocol as last time (long day 21) so down regging with buserilin for two weeks (when my ovaries will go to sleep) and then stimming with Gonal for up to 12 days (when my ovaries will wake up again). Except this time they’re upping my Gonal dose from 225 to 300 in the hope of getting more eggs and then getting some of those eggs to blastocyst stage ie day 5 transfer (my clinic’s success rates have improved significantly since they’ve started getting more people to blast).

To recap, in IVF1 I got 8 eggs and 6 fertilised but by Day 3 I only had one good quality and a couple of average so they transferred two embryos on day 3.

I’ll also be using Crinone gel instead of progesterone in oil injections after egg collection. Although it’s only just starting to become more widely used in the UK, the evidence they’ve gathered at my clinic so far shows it’s effective for people who tend to bleed early – as I do. This is a huge relief as the PIO injections were so bloody painful.

This time, I’ll also be having weekly acupuncture throughout the process and additional sessions around collection and transfer. My acupuncturist is wonderful and I’m pretty sure the sessions over the last couple of months have helped keep me balanced.

I also plan to eat a sizeable amount of chocolate, watch lots of crappy TV and read the full spectrum of gossip magazines. Apparently this is not only allowed, it’s obligatory.

So right now I’m feeling fairly relaxed and will try to stay that way for as long as possible.

I’m going to make a concerted effort to start blogging regularly again – partly for selfish reasons because the support I get from my tweeps and blog followers is amazing – and partly because I know it helps others going through this process.

So please, stay with me on this journey and hopefully this time I’ll give you a happy ending.

IVF: Day 29

Today is exactly four weeks into my first IVF cycle.

On Monday this week I introduced Gonal F (225) to the injection regime. In case anyone’s interested in knowing a bit more about the regime, I’m doing the buserilin (down reg) shots in my tummy and Gonal (stims) in the top of my thigh. Mostly, the injections have been fine and don’t hurt at all.

Think I’ve been a bit heavy handed with the buserilin needles a few times have and ended up with a couple of pretty looking green and purple bruises on my tummy...oops. The Gonal needle tends to slide into my thigh fairly easily and just stings for a few minutes, otherwise it’s no trouble.

On Friday I had the Day 5 blood test first thing in the morning to check my hormone levels and make sure I’m not over or under reacting to the meds. I had to wait all day for the nurse to call with the results – think the longest I managed to concentrate at work while waiting for the results was about three minutes. Seriously, if I’m like that with a minor blood test, I have no idea how I’ll manage to get through the two week wait! Anyways, all was fine so I need to continue what I’m doing until the Day 9 scan on Tuesday morning.

I’m quite excited to see how my follies are responding at the scan. Can’t quite believe I’m this far into it. I can’t deny it’s started to feel a bit scary now I’m being monitored and egg collection is so close. I also think the injections, the hormones, the process in general and the thought of the outcome, whichever way it goes, is starting to take its toll emotionally, mentally and physically.

But I’m doing everything in my power to take this one day at a time and stay with the thought that literally in a few weeks’ time I could be pregnant...

Just want to take the opportunity to send all the luck in the world to my cycle buddies on Twitter (@IVFBlessing @IVFchronicles @ivfbabyuk & @TTC_ICSI_IVF), who have all got a very important week this week. Here’s #hoping girlies...

Until next time

Juno ☺

Illegal sex before IVF – don’t try this at home

Been feeling guilty as I haven’t blogged for a while but to be honest I haven’t really known what to say. Possibly because I haven’t really known how I’ve been feeling.

But now I have something to update on. We went to see the nurse yesterday for our IVF coordination appointment which means going through the hundreds of forms, the timing, the meds and learning how to do the injections. She had some sort of speech impediment but I won’t hold it against her, she was patient and nice enough.

We were in there for well over an hour going through everything. It’s quite a lot to take in and it was fairly surreal to sit there inspecting the syringes and looking at the different vials of liquid, thinking that in about a week’s time, I’m going to be piercing my own skin with those needles and shooting that stuff into my own body to fuck with my own hormones.

During the session, we had two scares about not being able to start IVF this cycle – firstly because my last cycle was so short (20 days) it brought everything forward and she thought there may be a problem with the timing of the scans and blood tests and the clinic being closed over Christmas for a few days. But she checked and it means I’ll just have to stay on the Buserelin (hormone suppressant/down reg) for a few days longer until they do the first scan.

But I have to take full responsibility for the second scare. I had a minor episode on Thursday where I came back from therapy with my emotions all churned up and didn’t know what to do with them. So I did the only thing a self-respecting, messed-up infertile about to start IVF would do – I got drunk. At 4 o’clock in the afternoon. And when The Husband came home after work, we had drunken, unprotected sex. Which is illegal during the pre-IVF cycle.

The nurse gave me a very disdainful look when I told her (about the unprotected sex, not the drunkenness), asked if I hadn’t known I shouldn’t have done it and said it was unlikely we’d be able to start this cycle now because the drugs could affect the embryo if I happened to get pregnant.

I felt very, very ashamed as I’d known from reading the paperwork we should have been more careful and couldn’t believe I’d been so reckless and irresponsible. But at the time, I think that was exactly what I wanted to be. I’ve been so bloody careful about what I’ve been eating and drinking, the supplements I’ve been taking and the timing of sex for so long now, I think I just wanted to say fuck you to all of it. So I did.

The nurse carried on staring at me disdainfully and let me squirm in my chair for a while, then she swanned off to check with the doctor. I breathed a big sigh of relief when she came back and said it was ok, the Buserilin wouldn’t harm the embryo after all. And if life happens to throw me one massive amazing mindblowing curve ball by making me pregnant the cycle I start my IVF treatment, then I’d have to immediately stop the Buserilin and start shovelling in the progesterone quicksmart.

So even this cycle, I’ve inadvertently (and definitely naughtily) given myself a teensy tiny bit of hope. Don’t try this at home though people.

And in the meantime, I move house on Friday and do my first injection on Sunday.

Until next time.

Juno ☺