IVF2, Day 1

Well it’s been almost a month since I last wrote a blog. In fact, in the four months since IVF1 failed, I’ve written a grand total of five blogs.

I’ve just found it so hard to translate my thoughts and feelings into words. And actually most of the time I don’t even really know what I’m feeling. I think my mind and my heart have become numb to the devastation of not getting pregnant. Sometimes it almost feels like I’ve lost sight of why I’m doing all this, that it’s just become a part of life, something I need to do.

But here I am again, starting another IVF cycle.

It’s pretty much the same protocol as last time (long day 21) so down regging with buserilin for two weeks (when my ovaries will go to sleep) and then stimming with Gonal for up to 12 days (when my ovaries will wake up again). Except this time they’re upping my Gonal dose from 225 to 300 in the hope of getting more eggs and then getting some of those eggs to blastocyst stage ie day 5 transfer (my clinic’s success rates have improved significantly since they’ve started getting more people to blast).

To recap, in IVF1 I got 8 eggs and 6 fertilised but by Day 3 I only had one good quality and a couple of average so they transferred two embryos on day 3.

I’ll also be using Crinone gel instead of progesterone in oil injections after egg collection. Although it’s only just starting to become more widely used in the UK, the evidence they’ve gathered at my clinic so far shows it’s effective for people who tend to bleed early – as I do. This is a huge relief as the PIO injections were so bloody painful.

This time, I’ll also be having weekly acupuncture throughout the process and additional sessions around collection and transfer. My acupuncturist is wonderful and I’m pretty sure the sessions over the last couple of months have helped keep me balanced.

I also plan to eat a sizeable amount of chocolate, watch lots of crappy TV and read the full spectrum of gossip magazines. Apparently this is not only allowed, it’s obligatory.

So right now I’m feeling fairly relaxed and will try to stay that way for as long as possible.

I’m going to make a concerted effort to start blogging regularly again – partly for selfish reasons because the support I get from my tweeps and blog followers is amazing – and partly because I know it helps others going through this process.

So please, stay with me on this journey and hopefully this time I’ll give you a happy ending.

Dear embabies

I know you’re just a bunch of cells at the moment but I wanted to let you know a few things.

When we started this journey of trying to get pregnant, I thought it may not happen instantly, mainly because of my age and because sometimes it takes me a bit longer to get to where I want to be. But I knew from the start I’d keep going until I got there because there is no other option for me than having children.

And so we tried and tried and tried some more. We kept going for 18 cycles. And each unsuccessful try tore into my heart a little more.

I started to worry about time running out on my fertility and so we got help from medical science. At that point I left my dignity at the door. I’ve jabbed needles loaded with hormones into my body every day for nearly six weeks. I’ve let endless numbers of medics poke me, prod me, shove things up me, take things out of me and turn me inside out with their forms and their questions until there was nothing left of me to hide.

And it has all left me bruised - physically, emotionally and mentally.

But out of it has come a great thing. Two embabies to call our own.

And so I sit here typing this with you both inside of me, and I want more than anything to look after you, to protect you, to get to know you, to be proud of you, to love you - for as long as I’m here.

Please please please stick around. It will break my heart if you leave.

Your almost mummy

xxxxxx

Illegal sex before IVF – don’t try this at home

Been feeling guilty as I haven’t blogged for a while but to be honest I haven’t really known what to say. Possibly because I haven’t really known how I’ve been feeling.

But now I have something to update on. We went to see the nurse yesterday for our IVF coordination appointment which means going through the hundreds of forms, the timing, the meds and learning how to do the injections. She had some sort of speech impediment but I won’t hold it against her, she was patient and nice enough.

We were in there for well over an hour going through everything. It’s quite a lot to take in and it was fairly surreal to sit there inspecting the syringes and looking at the different vials of liquid, thinking that in about a week’s time, I’m going to be piercing my own skin with those needles and shooting that stuff into my own body to fuck with my own hormones.

During the session, we had two scares about not being able to start IVF this cycle – firstly because my last cycle was so short (20 days) it brought everything forward and she thought there may be a problem with the timing of the scans and blood tests and the clinic being closed over Christmas for a few days. But she checked and it means I’ll just have to stay on the Buserelin (hormone suppressant/down reg) for a few days longer until they do the first scan.

But I have to take full responsibility for the second scare. I had a minor episode on Thursday where I came back from therapy with my emotions all churned up and didn’t know what to do with them. So I did the only thing a self-respecting, messed-up infertile about to start IVF would do – I got drunk. At 4 o’clock in the afternoon. And when The Husband came home after work, we had drunken, unprotected sex. Which is illegal during the pre-IVF cycle.

The nurse gave me a very disdainful look when I told her (about the unprotected sex, not the drunkenness), asked if I hadn’t known I shouldn’t have done it and said it was unlikely we’d be able to start this cycle now because the drugs could affect the embryo if I happened to get pregnant.

I felt very, very ashamed as I’d known from reading the paperwork we should have been more careful and couldn’t believe I’d been so reckless and irresponsible. But at the time, I think that was exactly what I wanted to be. I’ve been so bloody careful about what I’ve been eating and drinking, the supplements I’ve been taking and the timing of sex for so long now, I think I just wanted to say fuck you to all of it. So I did.

The nurse carried on staring at me disdainfully and let me squirm in my chair for a while, then she swanned off to check with the doctor. I breathed a big sigh of relief when she came back and said it was ok, the Buserilin wouldn’t harm the embryo after all. And if life happens to throw me one massive amazing mindblowing curve ball by making me pregnant the cycle I start my IVF treatment, then I’d have to immediately stop the Buserilin and start shovelling in the progesterone quicksmart.

So even this cycle, I’ve inadvertently (and definitely naughtily) given myself a teensy tiny bit of hope. Don’t try this at home though people.

And in the meantime, I move house on Friday and do my first injection on Sunday.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

No final shot

I thought my blog this week would be about giving it one final shot before starting IVF next cycle.

Sadly, I don’t seem to have been given that shot as I don’t think I ovulated this month. Sod’s law really as I tend to ovulate most months.

Usually, it’s somewhere between Days 12 and 15 so I started testing on Day 9 just to be sure and was convinced my body was giving me signs I was going to ovulate soon. The Husband and I had all of the sex (still enjoying that bit at least ☺) and I carried on testing through to Day 16. But I never got the smiley face.

What was more weird was that my boobs had started getting sore around a week after my last period. I was really confused by that one and of course one tiny part of me thought ‘maybe I’m pregnant!’. It would have to have been a miracle pregnancy to have survived a period but stranger things have happened. Plus, I have the warped mind of someone who’s been TTC for too long.

So on Day 14, with boobs still sore, I did the only thing a desperate, sad, confused girl who’s been TTC for 17 months and is staring IVF in the face would do – in the space of one pee, I tested for ovulation AND pregnancy. Yep. Oh the shame...

And the results? Both negative. Double whammy.

So either I ovulated and somehow missed it or I just didn’t ovulate. Either way, it means I’m not taking progesterone, which means a much shorter cycle, which means I start IVF sooner.

So here I am, CD18, mood dropping faster than a ton of bricks, waiting for my period to come. I can’t deny I’m scared shitless of what’s around the corner but I have to put my trust in the fact there’s a very good reason for all this and that the result will be worth it.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

Moving in the right direction

I realised recently that at times it's taken me a bit longer to get to where I’m supposed to be in life, compared to the average person. So I suppose it didn’t surprise me when I didn’t get pregnant straight away.

I put it down to the fact that The Husband and I needed more time on our own together as we didn’t meet until we were in our mid-30s. Plus, we wanted to move out of our small, cold, noisy, rented flat and buy our first home.

I thought maybe that was meant to come first so we were settled for when I got pregnant. But a bunch of things have worked against us - the recession, a crap housing market, a tight budget, the house we were about to buy falling through at the last minute...

And while we’ve tried to be philosophical about things and leave it up to fate, it’s starting to really get us down now. We’re both feeling tired, in every way.

I’m not sure what happened to getting married, buying a home, having kids and living happily ever after but I feel naive for ever thinking that’s how it would be. We just want to move on with our lives now and if we’re going move on, it looks like we have to take control and make things happen.

This week’s appointment with the fertility specialist really helped us to see this and has put us on the road to making some big decisions.

First up, as far as fertility – or the apparent lack of it – is concerned, it’s between IUI or IVF. As I’m ovulating naturally, the doc didn’t think Clomid would have any significant impact on our chances and would just waste valuable time.

I have another choice, which is to carry on trying naturally but as the specialist put it, “If you were ten or even five years younger, I’d tell you to go away and try naturally for another year. But at 38 and having tried to get pregnant for over a year, I’d recommend doing something now.”

Well, it was blunt but I appreciated the fact he was honest with me. And I think I needed to hear it.

It’s a bit upsetting - to think age is against us, to think that if we did have the luxury of time we may just get pregnant naturally, to know what I’m about to put my body through. But the bottom line is it takes us one step closer to having our baby. And that’s what this is all about.

So we’re going to look into it, find out as much as we can and work out what’s best for us. And I'm so grateful we're doing it together. I know not everyone has someone to go through this kind of stuff with.

And as for where we live – all the signs have pointed to the fact that it’s not the right time for us to buy a house. But neither of us believes we’re supposed to stay where we are. So we’re going to meet the universe halfway and rent a house for a while. It will hopefully make the process a lot simpler and quicker and take a huge amount of pressure off us.

So that’s where we are.

Apprehensive but hopefully moving in the right direction.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

Big fat f*cking waste of time

It’s been a frustrating week.

I was determined to be positive and constructive after I got my period last Friday. It was once again gutting but I spent the weekend focusing on making an appointment with the fertility doctor, so I could talk through my options and decide what to do next.

I would really love to get pregnant naturally (who wouldn’t?) but after a year of trying, I’ve finally arrived at the point where I’ve realised it’s more important to have a baby than to worry about how it got made. And I don’t want to waste any more time.

So on Monday I called Scan Man and told him I’d got my period. “Oh, errum, I am sorry. Well, you’d better make an, errum, appointment to come in and see me in the next couple of, errum, days. We’ll chat through your monitored cycle and go through all the, errum, facts. Then you can make an, errum, appointment with Mr Fertility Doctor and get things moving in the, errum, right direction.”

Ok, so far so good. So I made the, errum, appointment for the next day and psyched myself up in the meantime as I wanted to feel strong and level-headed when we talked through everything.

But as I walked into his office, before I’d even sat down, he started telling me he hadn’t expected to see me so soon and that the file with ALL my information was at his other clinic. What??! But you told me to come in and see you in the next couple of, errum, days! What was so unexpected??

He said he could remember all the relevant details but as the session progressed, it transpired he couldn’t and I had to keep reminding and correcting him. The only thing he could confirm was that I have low progesterone and a short luteal phase - something I’ve known all along.

Basically, it was a big, fat f*cking waste of time.

Plus, when I said I wanted to see Mr Fertility Doctor asap so I could do something with my next cycle, Scan Man said casually, “Oh, Mr FD is, errum, away this week, he’s not back until next week so you won’t be able to do anything with the, errum, next cycle.”

Great. Thanks for waiting until now to tell me. I’ve had issues with this clinic before (see earlier blogs) and this was the last straw. So after all the psyching up about making decisions and moving on, I felt like I was back to square one – confused, disappointed and not sure what to do next.

So I did the only thing I could think of. Called Gorgeous Handsome Dreamy Gynaecologist – the one who did my recent hysteroscopy – and asked him to recommend someone (my logic being that if he is gorgeous, handsome, dreamy, charming and lovely, anyone he recommends will be as well).

His secretary (let’s call her Lucky Bitch) told me he was in the office that day and she’d get back to me later with an answer. The day went on and I heard nothing. I called LB again the next morning and she said he’d had to rush off after I called and wasn’t back in the office until Monday (tomorrow). Aaarrggh!!

I think the most frustrating thing about all this is not feeling in control - of my own body and its ability to make a baby, and being so bloody reliant on other people to even have a chance of making that baby.

Anyway, I’ll chase LB again tomorrow and if I don’t get any joy, will check out another couple of recommendations I’ve had. But as time is ticking on I’ve had to accept I can’t do anything more with this cycle except try naturally again.

What I have done, though, is book my very first appointment with an acupuncturist/Chinese herbalist. He’s meant to have good results with hormone imbalance and infertility so I thought it was worth a shot while I’m figuring out what to do next.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

Hey Jude, don’t make me sad...

“Errum, I’d say everything looks as it, errum, should. No major cause for, errum, concern at this stage. So fingers crossed for, errum, a good outcome this cycle.”

Ah, thank you kindly funny speaking Scan Man.

In a nutshell the three scans I’ve had during this monitored cycle (CDs 7, 12 & 20) have all shown things in my lady bits are as they should be. Frustrating in an ‘unexplained fertility’ way but good news in an ‘I have to be grateful nothing major is wrong’ way.

So now, at 8 DPO , I just need to carry on waiting. Again. For the 14^th time.

I’m doing ok to be honest, I’ve really tried to stick to thinking positively over the last few days. Actually it’s probably more accurate to say I’ve been trying not to think at all. Well, not about getting pregnant anyway.

The only blip I had was two nights ago. I’d spoken to my sister in the morning and she told me she’d gone to visit an old friend of hers who got married a week after I did, 14 months ago. We spoke about her for a bit and then I asked: “Is she thinking of trying for a baby?” There was a brief pause and my sister replied: “She had a baby three months ago.”

I gave a nervous sort of laugh and asked what she had (a boy) and what they’d called him (Jude - I love that name), and then she changed the subject and we moved on to other things.

But I had an uncomfortable feeling. It wasn’t jealousy or bitterness. I know a few people far closer to me who’ve had babies within a year of getting married recently and I’ve been able to accept it and be happy for them. I can’t even explain it, I think I just felt a bit stupid for asking the question like that, when I could have asked ‘Is she pregnant yet?’ or ‘Has she had a baby yet?’ Or maybe it was just the stark reality of it, the fact that the answer felt a bit like a slap in the face, I don’t know.

Anyway, after I put the phone down, I put the conversation to the back of my mind and I carried on with my day.

But for some reason, when I went to bed that night, I started to think about this conversation again and I just felt sad. Probably sad for the three-month old I could have had by now. Sad for feeling stupid for asking that question. Sad for this whole crappy situation. I shed a few tears, letting the sadness trickle down my cheeks for a while. Then I wiped the tears away, took a few deep breaths and went back to not thinking.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

No (wo)man’s land

This may sound a bit weird but I’ve kind of got to a point with trying to get pregnant where I don’t really know what to feel, almost as if I’m in no man’s land.

I’ve had a year of trying naturally and know a bit more about my body now – I have low progesterone and a short luteal phase but on the positive side, I ovulate naturally most months and my uterus is clear.

Right, so what do I do now? At 38 I feel I have a responsibility to give my body the best chance to get pregnant, and that probably means taking this process a stage further. I know I’m not the first to feel reluctant to do this but for some reason it’s taking me a while to get my head round it.

Surely I should instinctively want to do everything in my power to get pregnant as quickly as possible? I suspect the reluctance may have something to do with feeling like I’m a failure for not having conceived naturally – I find it easy to blame myself for most things – and also a fear that whatever I try next might not work.

But at the same time, I know I have to do something – I don’t ever want to regret not doing anything.

Unfortunately, I haven’t felt particularly ‘looked after’ by the professionals up until this point so I haven’t even been sure of my options and what would be best for me.

But tomorrow I go for the first scan of a monitored cycle to double check the facts, to ask lots of questions, to assess the answers and to decide on the next step.

With any luck, it’ll be the first tentative step out of no man’s land and a big stride towards getting pregnant.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

I’m sorry if I’m upsetting you doctor, but I’m not ready to do IVF now

Yesterday I went to see my GP about something totally unrelated to fertility. I know! Apparently, there is other stuff in the world...

To help you picture the scene, my doctor is a tiny, skinny, 50-something, grey-haired, glasses-wearing, fairly nondescript-looking woman with a strong Israeli accent. She may be tiny but she doesn't exactly hold back. I am fairly used to this after quite a few years of being her patient but this particular conversation really blew my mind.

This is how it went:

Me: Hi doctor. I just wanted to ask you about blah blah.

Doc [checking her records]: So, you had a hysteroscopy last week?

Me [fairly upbeat]: Yes, that was all fine which is great. But I wanted to ask you about this other thing...

Doc [impatient]: Hold on. How long have you been trying to get pregnant?

Me [starting to get nervous]: About a year.

Doc [looking perplexed]: Are you not going to do IVF?

Me [flummoxed]: Er, sorry?

Doc [checking records again]: How old are you? 38?? Omigod! My daughter-in-law is 36 and she just got pregnant and is having a terrible time!!

Me [confused and a little bit scared]: Right. And that’s relevant to me because....?

Doc [incredulous] : Because your ovaries are basically drying up now and you don’t have a lot of time!! Why don’t you do IVF now?!

Me [starting to get a bit upset now]: Er I don’t really want to...

Doc [shouting]: I don’t understand what it is you’re waiting for! You’re 38!! It’s been a year!!! How much longer are you going to give it??!!

Me [wondering why I am being shouted at by my own doctor]: Ok. I don’t want to do IVF now, I’m well aware of how old I am and how long I’ve been trying but I’d like to carry on trying naturally for now. I actually came here to ask you about...

Doc [fairly red in the face now, I am obviously really upsetting her]: But how long for?!! I don’t understand why you’re waiting!!

Me [vulnerable, imploring, trying not to cry, at the same time wondering why I feel bad for upsetting the doctor]: I just really don’t want to think about IVF now. It’s expensive, invasive and a very big decision. There’s nothing major wrong with me physically so I think it’s a good idea to keep trying naturally.

Doc [totally exasperated, about to self-implode]: THIS MAKES NO SENSE!! YOU WILL KEEP TRYING AND KEEP TRYING AND THEN SUDDENLY IT WILL BE TOO LATE!!!

Me [regaining my composure, realising my doctor actually has mental health issues and I am the fairly normal one in this conversation]: Ok. The bottom line is that whether or not I do IVF is my decision. I will continue to try naturally for as long as I feel happy to. I don’t want to discuss this any more.

Doc [coming back to earth from whatever faraway planet of madness she’s been on for the previous five minutes]: Yes. Cool and calm. That’s the best way. I have a patient who was trying for 11 years to get pregnant, tried IVF three times, nothing, decided she would stop trying and BANG!!

Me [completely bemused by the sudden change of tone but soldiering on with the conversation nonetheless]: She got pregnant?

Doc [happy now]: She got pregnant.

Me [forgetting what I actually came in for]: Well, that’s great. Thanks doctor.

Doc [satisfied with a job well done]: Ok. Take care. Bye bye.

Not much to say to that really, is there??

Until next time.

Juno ☺

10 stupid things I've asked Google lately

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Will I get pregnant?
3. Will I get pregnant soon?
4. When will I get pregnant?
5. Why am I not pregnant yet?
6. Will I get pregnant if I’m 38?
7. Will I get pregnant if I have thin lining?
8. Will I get pregnant with a short luteal phase?
9. Will I get pregnant with an irregularity in my uterus?
10. Will I get pregnant if I’m 38, have thin lining, a short luteal phase and an irregularity in my uterus?

Strangely, I didn't get the answers I was looking for.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

Where’s my smiley face?

Eleven months ago, I embarked on that weird and wonderful (or perhaps just weird) journey to becoming pregnant. Initially optimistic and naively confident, I am now wondering where this long and winding fertility road will lead me, whether I will reach the sleepless nights and dirty nappies I absurdly crave.

So I thought I’d write this blog to help me chart my journey and seek out fellow travellers. I’d be incredibly grateful if you could let me know if you’ve come along for the ride. Just so I know for sure I’m not on my own. Here we go…

I have never spent more time inspecting the inside of my knickers. Possibly not the most gracious start to a blog – my first ever in fact - but it’s true. Eleven months in and I am none the wiser. This month, the time when I was supposed to be ovulating was tainted, quite literally, with something the colour of old ketchup. That was a new one. Any ideas?

Obviously I’ve researched it on the internet on at least 16 separate occasions over the last three days and have decided, depending on my mood, that I have anything from a very early, very unwelcome period to early onset menopause (I’m 38).

All rational thinking has blatantly gone out the window.

Whatever it is though, I’m not particularly happy about it, as this was my last attempt before a number of significant upcoming events:

• My first-year wedding anniversary – I had hoped to be celebrating this with the knowledge of becoming a parent in the not-too-distant future. It will still be a big celebration (I was single until I was 35, plus I’m Jewish - you do the math) and I am still massively happy and grateful to be married to my amazing husband. But, you know, it would have been nice.

• An impending hysteroscopy (where they knock you out and stick a camera on the end of a scrapey thing into your womb and remove any offending articles). A scan a few months ago showed ‘an irregularity’ which they think they should check out. Was hoping not to have to go through this again – I had one two years ago to remove a polyp, now it’s just becoming habit.

• My friend’s wedding – although of course a very happy occasion which I will no doubt enjoy, I will be sitting alongside the Smug Pregnants / New Parents, feeling just a little bit inadequate.

But I remain hopeful that tomorrow will be the day I’ll get that smiley face on the digital wee stick (day 18 - is that even possible?). In the meantime, for anyone else desperately hoping to see a smiley face too, I'll leave you with one below.

Until next time.

Juno ☺