Personal highlight of 2010? Umm...

Lazing in bed on the first day of the brand new year , The Husband turned to me and asked what my highlights of 2010 were.

I pondered this for a while and said: I know it was at the end of the year but moving house, definitely. He said that was a highlight for him too, but what would be my personal highlight, something I was pleased I’d done or achieved for me? For instance, he said, his would be starting his hypnotherapy course. I agreed with his choice, I’m proud of him for that too.

So what about me? A personal highlight. That would be...umm...err...personal, you say? Well, obviously, there’d be the erm...umm...oh I don’t know, I give up!

That made me feel sad. Not to be able to think of one single thing that I’d consider a personal achievement in a whole entire year. It made me realise how I’d spent 2010 – basically trying to get through stuff.

It wasn’t that 2010 was a *bad* year exactly. It was our first full calendar year of being married and I’m still feeling exceptionally happy and lucky to have found my lobster (Friends reference, in case anyone’s confused). But it was a year full of challenges – a change in my responsibilities at work and good friends being made redundant that left me frustrated and unhappy in my job, the house we’d set our heart on buying falling through at the last minute and not being able to find an alternative, and of course, trying with optimism, month after month, to conceive and failing, broken-hearted, time after time.

At the end of the summer we realised things had to change. So we thought about renting instead of buying and we thought about starting IVF. And I realised I had to reorder my priorities and not worry so much about work. Instead I started to see it as a means to an end, a place that would one day pay me maternity benefit for up to a year, and I managed to relax about it a little. And suddenly it was December, and we were moving into our gorgeous little rented house and starting our first IVF cycle.

And that was 2010.

But I want 2011 to be different. Of course, if I get pregnant with this IVF cycle then I know for sure what my highlight of 2011 will be. But if, for whatever reason, this cycle isn’t meant to be for us, then I want to make sure I do or achieve something this year I’ll be proud of, so I could answer that same question on 1 January 2012 without hesitation.

Watch this space, I guess.

And for anyone following my IVF cycle, I did my first Gonal F injection today, which went fine. I’m getting to be quite a pro at these jabs now... So I’m up to two injections a day (including down reg) until retrieval which, if all goes to plan, looks set for the 17^th. First blood test this Friday to check how I’m responding to the hormones.

This is really happening.

Eek.

Until next time.

Juno ☺

Four weeks in a nutshell

I can't believe it's been exactly four weeks since I last wrote my blog (to be fair not entirely down to lack of commitment, mainly down to lack of internet in new house), but what a four weeks it's been. I'll spare you the detail but in a nutshell...

During that time we've packed up all our belongings into dozens of cardboard boxes, moved into our lovely new house, started our first cycle of IVF, mourned the sad and unexpected loss of The Husband's wonderful grandma, celebrated Christmas and started a whole new year. Phew!

It's been a lot to contend with but I’ve been doing ok (apart from having the mother of all colds this week, sniff). It's great to be in the house finally. It’s amazing how quickly it felt like home. It's been a great distraction and I'm looking forward to making it even more homely as time goes on.

Losing Grandma R was so sad. She was 87 but it was still a big shock when she collapsed from a massive stroke three weeks ago and died only hours later. She'd been my grandma for just three and a half years but she treated me like I was her grand-daughter from the day I met her and I loved her immediately. I have great memories of her and will miss her loads.

The Christmas weekend was lovely, spent with our close family and friends. We hosted 15 people here on Boxing Day which was bloody hard work but worth it to see everyone relaxed and enjoying themselves in our new home.

And IVF? I was definitely feeling anxious about it in the weeks before we started but for me, the thought of something is always worse than actually doing it. I was pretty nervous about the first injection, my hands shook and my heart was beating out of my chest but I just went for it and was fine. The needle is thin enough for it to barely hurt and after nearly three weeks of down regging, I've had barely any side effects (if anything I’ve been a bit more thirsty than usual, hair and skin have felt a bit more dry and I’ve felt hot at times but no major hot flushes).

I’ve tried not to think ahead of doing this first set of Buserilin injections. With no monitoring, minor side effects and very few people who know I’m going through IVF, it’s been easy to carry on as 'normal'. I’m not sure if I’m slightly in denial but with everything else that’s been going on I suppose I haven’t really had a huge amount of time to think about the bigger picture.

I had my suppression scan on Wednesday this week and all was at it should be ie lining was thin and ovaries were inactive but the hospital told me to delay starting the Gonal F injections until 3 Jan (Monday). They said this is to avoid weekends where possible for scans, bloods, retrieval, transfer etc. I suspect as soon as I start this next phase, it will all become a bit more real, but one day at a time for now.

I intend to post again in the next couple of days with some new year's musings but in the meantime, I’d just like to wish all visitors to my blog a very happy new year - may all your dreams come true.

Until next time.

Juno ☺